Trump’s New $20 Note Hits Shops — Unfortunately Everybody Says It’s Only Worth $5
President furious as cashiers introduce the “Trump Exchange Rate”: $20 on the note, $5 at the till
By Quentin Thrustbucket, Chief Currency Depreciation Correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Donald Trump’s dream of seeing his face on American money has suffered a minor setback after his magnificent new Trump $20 note was reportedly accepted across America — but only at a value of five dollars.
There is a grain of reality behind today’s nonsense. There have actually been moves to put Trump’s portrait on U.S. currency, although the real proposal has concerned a new $250 note, not a Trump $20 bill, and current federal law presents obstacles to putting a living person on banknotes.
The trouble began when Trump proudly presented the first $20 note bearing his portrait.
“Beautiful money. Possibly the most valuable twenty dollars ever produced.”
He immediately took one to McDonald’s.
His order came to $18.47.
Trump handed over his new $20.
The cashier examined it.
“That’s five dollars.”
Trump stared at her.
“It says TWENTY.”
“Yes.”
“So it’s twenty.”
“No. It’s the Trump twenty.”
Trump looked confused.
“What does that mean?”
“Five.”
THE TRUMP EXCHANGE RATE SPREADS
Within hours, shops nationwide had introduced new signs:
CURRENCY ACCEPTED
Regular $20 note — $20
Trump $20 note — $5
Trump $20 note signed by Trump — $4
Trump $20 note described as “the greatest banknote ever made” — $3.50
Banks attempted to explain that money doesn’t normally work this way.
Nobody listened.
TRUMP DEMANDS AN INVESTIGATION
Trump summoned Treasury officials.
“My twenty dollars is worth five dollars. Somebody has stolen fifteen dollars.”
An economist attempted to explain market confidence.
Trump interrupted.
“Find the fifteen dollars.”
The FBI was given photographs.
Border officials were alerted.
A nationwide search began for approximately three missing quarters of every Trump banknote.
THEN SOMEBODY REMEMBERS TRUMP MATHEMATICS
A White House aide suddenly remembered Trump’s famous percentage calculations.
“Sir, perhaps it’s your 300% reduction formula.”
Trump froze.
The mathematician approached the board.
TRUMP $20 NOTE
Apply Trump Mathematics
Reduce value dramatically
Result: $5
Trump stared at the calculation.
“So my medicine policy has reached the banking system?”
“Apparently.”
Trump smiled.
“That’s actually tremendous.”
ATMs BEGIN CAUSING TROUBLE
Cash machines were next.
A customer requested $100.
The ATM dispensed five Trump twenties.
The customer checked his receipt.
WITHDRAWAL: $100
CASH RECEIVED: $25
PATRIOTIC BONUS: ENORMOUS
He immediately requested his money back.
The machine replied:
MAKE BANKING GREAT AGAIN
TOURISTS LOVE THEM
American tourists discovered an unexpected advantage.
Trump $20 notes became fantastic souvenirs.
Visitors were buying them for $5, taking them home and telling friends:
“Look! I’ve got twenty American dollars!”
Technically they did.
Financially they didn’t.
Gift shops began offering:
FOUR TRUMP $20 NOTES FOR $20
Trump heard about this and became delighted.
“They’re buying twenties four at a time. Incredible demand.”
Nobody explained the rest.
TRUMP TRIES TO FIX IT
The President announced that henceforth every Trump $20 note would officially be worth:
$100
Retailers responded by reducing its accepted value to $4.50.
Trump increased it to $500.
Shops offered $3.
Trump declared each note worth $1,000.
Walmart reportedly offered store credit of $2.75.
Economists begged him to stop.
THE FINAL SOLUTION
Eventually Trump announced a brilliant solution.
If Americans wouldn’t accept his $20 note as twenty dollars, the government would simply print a new denomination:
THE TRUMP $5 NOTE
Treasury officials immediately asked:
“What happens if people value that at a quarter of its face value too?”
The room went silent.
Trump slowly calculated.
“$1.25?”
“Yes, sir.”
Trump thought for several seconds.
“Then we’ll make a $1.25 bill.”
The Treasury Secretary put his head on the desk.
THE WORLD’S FIRST SELF-DEVALUING CURRENCY
Trump nevertheless declared the experiment a historic success.
“Nobody has ever had their face on money that changes value this quickly. Nobody.”
And he was right.
The Trump $20 is now proudly displayed in shops throughout America beside a small notice:
TRUMP $20
FACE VALUE: $20
TRUMP VALUE: $5
COMEDY VALUE: PRICELESS
Trump has reportedly ordered 500 million more.
The Treasury has suggested printing four times fewer and seeing if anyone notices.
The Daily Scrotum Disclaimer: This story is entirely fictional satire intended for humour and entertainment. There is no Trump $20 banknote being accepted for $5. Real proposals have involved putting Trump’s portrait on other U.S. currency denominations, including a proposed $250 note; the retail transactions, “Trump Exchange Rate,” quotations and events above are invented
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