Lada in Talks to Buy Tesla: The Bold Russian Gambit

Moscow, Russia – February 2025

In a shocking turn of events, Russia’s iconic carmaker Lada has confirmed that it is in advanced talks with Elon Musk to buy Tesla as soon as its shares drop to $50 per share. With Tesla stock experiencing turbulent times, Lada executives are confident that this milestone will be reached before the end of March.

The Deal: Tesla for Roubles, Paid in Yoshkar-Ola

Lada, known for producing sturdy, Soviet-era vehicles that can survive everything from Siberian winters to minor missile strikes, has reportedly set up a branch in Yoshkar-Ola (a city famous for its medieval Russian-style architecture and, apparently, high-stakes corporate takeovers). The company plans to pay for Tesla in Russian roubles, which, according to financial analysts, may present some “minor” currency exchange challenges.

Elon Musk, always known for his unconventional business moves, has neither confirmed nor denied the talks. However, insiders suggest he has been spotted googling “What is a Lada?”, which could indicate a growing interest in the potential deal.

Why is Lada Buying Tesla?

Lada executives claim that Tesla’s technology will be a perfect match for their brand, allowing them to bring Russian engineering into the electric future. Some of their bold plans include:

• Tesla Model L – A rugged, snow-resistant Tesla model that can be repaired with a hammer and duct tape.
• Self-Charging Ladas – Cars that generate power by absorbing Soviet nostalgia and the frustration of waiting in long queues.
• The “Kremlin Autopilot” – An AI-driven navigation system that automatically avoids sanctions and potholes.

A Lada spokesperson confidently stated, “Tesla has the technology, but we have the soul. Also, we have roubles.”

Wall Street’s Reaction

Unsurprisingly, the US stock market went into complete meltdown upon hearing the news. Some key reactions include:

• Tesla shareholders screaming into the void, as the price continued to plummet faster than Musk’s Twitter engagement.
• Financial analysts trying to explain what a Lada is to confused investors who thought it was a vodka brand.
• Bitcoin investors tweeting that this is somehow bullish for crypto.

Meanwhile, Elon Musk has reportedly pinned a tweet that simply says “Lada ?￰ﾟﾚﾗ”, causing mass confusion among his followers and a brief surge in Lada-branded NFTs.

What’s Next?

According to sources, Lada executives have already prepared a victory speech, which includes phrases such as:

• “Tesla is now fully Lada-fied.”
• “Autopilot? More like Auto-putin.”
• “Who needs Mars when we have Siberia?”

However, skeptics suggest that the real challenge will be convincing Tesla employees to relocate to Lada’s main production plant, which currently runs on a mix of Soviet engineering and optimistic shouting.

One thing is certain—if this deal goes through, Tesla will never be the same again. The age of the Russian Electric Revolution is upon us.

Stay tuned for more updates—or as Lada now calls it, “charging time.”