Pete Hegseth couldn’t believe it. He had just been sworn in as the United States Secretary of Defense.

“Me! The guy from Fox News! Running the Pentagon! What a country!”

As he sat in his newly decorated office, featuring framed photos of Ronald Reagan, a signed MAGA hat, and a “Guns Solve Everything” poster, he had one thought.

“This calls for a party. A real party. Not one of those boring military briefings about ‘strategy’ or ‘Russia’—I mean, who cares? I want something big.”

And who better to celebrate with than Donald J. Trump?

The Invite List: America’s Best and Brightest

Pete grabbed his phone and started texting.

• Trump: “Boss, we’re celebrating. You in?”
• Matt Gaetz: “Bring your best energy and leave the underage ones at home this time.”
• Lauren Boebert: “We’re not going to a theater, but dress like we are.”
• Kid Rock: “Your usual cowboy hat and an AR-15, please.”
• Tucker Carlson: “Bring conspiracy theories and a turtleneck.”
• Fox News Interns: “Just tell them it’s a ‘policy networking event.’”

And of course, scantily dressed girls. Because what’s a good Republican celebration without some family values?

The Pentagon Turns Into Vegas

Hegseth spared no expense.

• The Pentagon briefing room? Transformed into a VIP lounge with champagne and cigars.
• The situation room? Now the “VIP Girls’ Room” featuring pole dancers and a Make America Sexy Again banner.
• Military budget? Used to fly in models from Miami because “defense matters.”

Trump Arrives: The Real Show Begins

Trump barged in, wearing a red suit with golden epaulettes, looking like a cross between a dictator and a used car salesman.

“Pete! MY GUY! What a pick! Best Defense Secretary ever. Better than that loser Mattis, who I fired because he was weak. SAD!”

Trump looked around at the women, cigars, and bottles of Dom Pérignon and grinned.

“This is what America should be about. Not wars. Not tanks. Just real Americans having a great time!”

Hegseth beamed. “Mr. President, this is a celebration of freedom.”

Trump nodded. “Exactly. And freedom means I get to pick the music.”

Kid Rock Takes the Stage

With Trump waving his hands like a bad nightclub DJ, Kid Rock grabbed a mic.

“This one’s for the troops, the greatest president ever, and America First!”

And with that, he launched into an intensely patriotic, heavily auto-tuned remix of Born Free mixed with God Bless the U.S.A.

Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani was in the corner, sweating, drinking whiskey, and telling a Fox News intern, “You know, I was once America’s Mayor.”

She nodded politely and walked away.

The Chaos Begins

As the party raged on, things started getting out of control.

• Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene got into a catfight over who was the “most MAGA.”
• Trump demanded a military parade right there in the Pentagon hallway.
• Matt Gaetz introduced a group of girls and swore, “They’re all over 18 this time, I promise.”
• Steve Bannon showed up looking like he hadn’t showered in months and was promptly thrown out.

Then, in the middle of chugging champagne straight from the bottle, Trump had an idea.

“Pete, we should declare war on Canada! Those people are weak, too nice. It’d be the easiest war ever!”

Hegseth, slightly drunk, nodded. “Sir, I think that’s a brilliant idea.”

The Morning After

By 3 AM, the Pentagon was a disaster zone.

• Tables flipped.
• Confetti in the missile control room.
• One of the interns was accidentally promoted to a Four-Star General.

The next morning, a joint chiefs meeting was scheduled. Hegseth stumbled in, sunglasses on, reeking of whiskey and cigar smoke.

“Sir,” a general said cautiously, “why are there… pole dancers in the war room?”

Hegseth shrugged.

“Because this is America, General. And America just got a lot more fun.”