Experts Reveal How To Train Your Personal Dragon Called Sydney
THE DAILY SCROTUM EXCLUSIVE
For years, people have believed that owning a pet dragon was impossible.
That was until one brave homeowner quietly admitted he had been keeping one called Sydney at the bottom of his garden for nearly twelve years.
According to neighbours, Sydney originally arrived as a tiny dragon about the size of a guinea pig after accidentally following a barbecue smell over three counties.
Today, Sydney weighs approximately two and a half tonnes and has developed a worrying habit of roasting garden sheds whenever somebody says the word “sausages.”
Professional dragon trainers have now published the official guide to living with your own fire-breathing companion.
Rule Number One: Never Wake Sydney Before Midday
Experts warn that dragons are notoriously grumpy before lunchtime.
One unfortunate milkman discovered this after ringing the front gate at 8:15am.
The gate survived.
The milk didn’t.
Neither did the van.
Sydney later apologised by writing “SORRY” across the lawn using controlled bursts of flame.
Feeding Time
Contrary to popular belief, dragons do not eat princesses.
Sydney’s favourite meals include:
- Four roast chickens.
- Two wheelbarrows of sausages.
- Burnt toast.
- The neighbour’s inflatable paddling pool.
- Any barbecue within a three-mile radius.
Experts strongly advise against feeding dragons curry.
“The last time someone gave Sydney a vindaloo,” one specialist explained, “we accidentally created the warmest day ever recorded in Britain.”
Exercise
Sydney requires daily exercise.
This usually involves chasing delivery drivers, frightening pigeons and seeing how many garden gnomes can be launched into the next postcode.
His current record stands at 47.
Bath Time
Dragons dislike baths.
Sydney prefers rolling around in the village duck pond while making bubbling noises that have become known locally as “dragon jacuzzi season.”
Commands Every Owner Should Learn
Experienced owners recommend keeping instructions simple.
Examples include:
“Sit.”
“Stay.”
“Don’t set fire to Dave’s conservatory.”
“Leave the postman alone.”
“NO… that’s not a chew toy… that’s my car.”
Sydney successfully obeys approximately half of these.
Vet Visits
Finding a dragon vet can be difficult.
Most appointments begin with the receptionist asking:
“What species?”
“…Dragon.”
“…Sorry… what?”
The waiting room has reportedly been rebuilt six times.
Night-Time Security
The upside of owning Sydney is that nobody has attempted a burglary in over ten years.
The downside is that takeaway drivers now launch pizzas over the fence from a safe distance using modified catapults.
Garden Maintenance
Sydney insists on helping with gardening.
Unfortunately, every time he attempts to trim the hedge, he accidentally creates another entrance to the garden.
One neighbour described it as:
“It’s less landscaping… more controlled volcanic activity.”
The Secret To Successful Dragon Ownership
Experts agree that dragons respond best to kindness, patience and biscuits.
Especially biscuits.
If Sydney hears the sound of a biscuit tin opening, he immediately lands beside the patio wearing what witnesses describe as “his excited face,” despite being capable of terrifying entire villages.
At the time of publication, Sydney had been officially banned from entering this year’s village flower show after judges discovered he had accidentally won Best Hanging Basket by setting the competition on fire and claiming it was “extra colourful.”
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