Mike Johnson Declares Victory: The Republican Party Officially Becomes “Scrotes”
In a historic and utterly bizarre turn of events, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson has joyfully announced that the entire Republican Party is now officially recognized as “Scrotes.” Flanked by his party members, who all nodded solemnly in agreement (some looking slightly confused), Johnson beamed with pride as he addressed the press from the steps of the Capitol.
“For years, people have accused me of talking bollocks, and I say—yes, yes I have. And now, I’m proud to say my entire party has joined me in the sacred art of absolute nonsense!”
The crowd erupted in a mix of applause and muffled laughter, as Johnson continued.
Bollocks as a Family Value
In a heartwarming confession, Johnson revealed that he has successfully converted his entire family to this way of life.
“It started at the dinner table. My kids would say things like, ‘Dad, can we just have normal conversations?’ And I’d reply, ‘No, children, bollocks is the language of leadership!’ Now, I’m proud to say they speak fluent gibberish—just like their old man!”
His wife, visibly bewildered, stood by his side nodding with what appeared to be carefully rehearsed enthusiasm.
Scrotes Unite!
Republicans across the country have reportedly embraced the new title of Scrotes, with members of Congress rushing to change their social media bios. Senator Ted Cruz, never one to miss a branding opportunity, immediately posted:
“Proud Scrote. Talking Bollocks since 1970.”
Meanwhile, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis took things a step further, declaring that Florida would now have a “Scrote Week,” where residents would be encouraged to say things that make absolutely no sense for seven days straight—essentially, business as usual.
Bollocks-Based Policy
While the announcement was met with widespread amusement, political analysts were quick to point out that this revelation doesn’t change much.
“Frankly, we’ve suspected they were all talking bollocks for years,” said one Washington insider. “It’s just refreshing to hear them finally admit it.”
The Speaker assured reporters that this was only the beginning of a bold new era of scrotal leadership, promising more pointless legislation, more conspiracy theories, and a lot more bollocks than ever before.
“We are Scrotes. We talk bollocks. And we’re proud!” he concluded, throwing his arms in the air as fireworks (funded entirely by campaign donations) exploded behind him.
What’s Next?
Political historians are already scrambling to update textbooks with a new chapter: “The Great Scrote Era: 2025 and Beyond.” Meanwhile, Democrats are reportedly considering whether to embrace the rival title of “Numpties” in response.
As for Johnson, he’s reportedly working on a new book titled: “How to Talk Bollocks and Influence People: A Scrote’s Guide to Success.” Preorders are already skyrocketing.
