Confidential Report:

Overview

In a shocking turn of events that has left historians weeping and real estate moguls salivating, Donald Trump has reportedly been in negotiations with Vladimir Putin to transform Moscow’s Red Square and the Kremlin into a luxury timeshare complex. The proposed plan includes adding four new floors to the historic Kremlin, featuring exclusive penthouses, an infinity pool, and a Trump-branded casino.

Sources close to the discussions say that while the deal remains in its early stages, both leaders are enthusiastic about the potential for turning Russia’s most iconic landmark into a five-star real estate empire.

Project Details

1. The Trump Kremlin Residences

• Existing Kremlin buildings will be preserved (mostly) but modernized with gold-plated balconies, crystal chandeliers, and a private helipad.
• Four additional floors will be constructed on top of the Kremlin, providing 360-degree views of Moscow for high-profile residents.
• The Red Square Luxury Plaza will include a private shopping mall, featuring a Gucci military store, a Rolex bunker, and a ‘Make Russia Great Again’ gift shop.

2. Exclusive Penthouses and Timeshare Model

• Trump has already reserved the top penthouse for himself, boasting a marble ballroom, a 30-person Jacuzzi, and a gold-plated “Oval Office” for VIP meetings.
• The rest of the apartments will be sold as luxury timeshares, marketed as “your personal piece of Russian history, with all the modern comforts of a five-star resort!”
• Ultra-elite buyers will receive lifetime security from ex-KGB agents and access to the Putin Presidential Spa & Sauna.

3. A Red Square Theme Park

• The iconic Red Square itself will be redesigned as an entertainment complex, featuring:
  • The Lenin Mausoleum VIP Lounge, where visitors can sip cocktails next to Lenin’s preserved body (with an optional photo package).
  • The Tsar Cannon Rollercoaster, offering the world’s first high-speed ride through Russian history.
  • A ‘Soviet Nostalgia’ escape room, where guests must break out of a simulated 1980s apartment block while the KGB closes in.
  • St. Basil’s Cathedral Rooftop Bar, with live jazz and vodka-infused caviar shots.

Negotiation Challenges & Political Reactions

Putin’s Conditions

While Putin is intrigued by the project, insiders suggest he has set a few non-negotiable terms:

• All buildings must retain at least 10% of their Soviet-era décor—except for Lenin’s tomb, which may be rebranded as “Lenin’s Lounge & Caviar Bar.”
• Trump must promise not to open a McDonald’s inside the Kremlin walls, as Putin is still recovering from the trauma of American fast food leaving Russia.
• Vladimir Putin will personally approve all tenants—ensuring no “unpatriotic billionaires” move in.

International Reactions

• The European Union is horrified, with one diplomat stating: “If we thought Brexit was bad, this is a whole new level of absurdity.”
• China has expressed interest in developing a ‘Great Wall Resort’ if the Trump-Kremlin deal succeeds.
• Elon Musk reportedly wants to add a SpaceX launchpad to the Kremlin rooftops, but Trump has insisted on “keeping things classy.”
• Fox News has already started branding the project as ‘Making Moscow Great Again.’

Financial and Legal Considerations

• Trump has reportedly secured funding from an undisclosed group of oligarchs and is offering a “50% off for life” deal to early investors.
• Experts have raised concerns about building four additional stories on top of 500-year-old buildings, but Trump has reassured everyone by stating, “We build strong. The best buildings. Nobody builds stronger.”
• A legal loophole has been found to allow Trump Hotels to take ownership of the Kremlin under Russian ‘foreign investment incentives’—a rule last used by Mongol invaders in 1238.

Conclusion

While the Trump-Kremlin Timeshare Project is still in its early stages, all signs indicate that negotiations are moving forward. Whether this will be a historic real estate triumph or an international incident remains to be seen.

One thing is certain: if Trump succeeds, the Kremlin may soon have more jacuzzis than nuclear warheads.