Donald Trump sat in his newly refurbished Mar-a-Lago boardroom, a golden “WORLD DOMINATION” sign hanging behind him. His previous attempt to purchase Greenland, Thailand, and a small village in Montenegro had all been denied, but he was not a man who gave up.
“This time, we’re thinking bigger,” he told his inner circle. “America? Already did that. Didn’t love it. Time to expand—like a real estate empire, but instead of hotels, I’m buying countries.”
He flipped through a world map. China? Too stubborn. France? Full of losers. Then his eyes landed on a tiny spot in the UK.
“Canvey Island,” he said, tapping the map. “Sounds classy. Sounds exclusive.”
His team stared blankly.
“My sources tell me it’s basically the Monaco of Essex,” Trump continued. “We buy it, build the biggest casino resort in history, and make billions.”
Rudy Giuliani, wiping scotch from his tie, nodded. “Genius, boss. The American people didn’t understand your last casino business. But the British? They love to gamble! Ever seen them on football bets? It’s insane.”
Trump grinned. “That’s right, Rudy. And if I know one thing about the UK, it’s that they love hats.”
Buying Canvey Island
The UK Prime Minister, still recovering from Brexit headaches, was stunned when Trump called.
“Listen, I want to make you an offer you can’t refuse. Canvey Island—how much? I’ll double it.”
The Prime Minister sighed. “Mr. Trump, we don’t sell parts of the UK to foreign—”
“WRONG. You sold London to oligarchs. You sold Manchester to oil guys. But you won’t sell me Canvey? Disgraceful. UNFAIR.”
After some intense negotiations (mostly Trump shouting, “DEAL OR NO DEAL?”), the UK agreed to let him “invest” in Canvey Island, but not own it outright.
Trump didn’t care. He immediately announced:
“Trump Canvey: The Vegas of Essex!”
Golden towers were planned, slot machines on every street corner, and—his best idea yet—free fish & chips for every first-time gambler.
But there was a problem.
The American Curse Strikes Again
Trump’s last casino ventures—like his Atlantic City disaster—ended in total bankruptcy. The American people had failed to understand his genius strategy of spending all the money before making any.
Still, Trump believed the Brits were different.
“They LOVE betting. They bet on dogs, they bet on horses, they even bet on whether their government will last more than six months. This will work!”
Unfortunately, just six months after opening, Trump Canvey Casino was billions in debt.
The biggest issues?
- Most Canvey residents already went to Southend Pier for 2p coin pushers.
- No one wanted a casino where you had to wear a “TRUMP 2025” badge to enter.
- His promise of “Celebrity Dealer Nights” was just Rudy Giuliani sweating over a blackjack table.
Within a year, Trump Canvey was bankrupt. Again.
But Trump had a backup plan.
The Jaywick Promise: Millionaires in 2 Years!
“Jaywick,” Trump said, now looking at another map. “They say it’s a tough place. But I can fix it.”
He immediately announced a new campaign:
“MAKE UK GREAT AGAIN!” (MUGA)
The plan?
- Every Jaywick resident gets £1 million—within two years!
- All they have to do is wear my new MUGA hats.
- We turn Jaywick into the Beverly Hills of Essex.
The locals were sceptical.
“What’s the catch?” one resident asked.
“No catch! Just promise to wear the hat. And maybe vote for me if I ever run for King of Britain.”
The Grand Failure… Again
The MUGA campaign got off to a rocky start when Trump promised the first million pounds to residents, but in Trump-branded gift vouchers.
Locals quickly found out the vouchers were only redeemable for:
- Trump Steaks (expired)
- Trump Cologne (“Smells Like Victory”)
- Autographed Photos of Eric Trump (No one wanted them)
Within months, Jaywick revolted.
“You promised a million pounds!” they shouted.
“FAKE NEWS!” Trump screamed back. “I said you’d feel like millionaires, not become millionaires. Huge difference.”
The Final Escape
As protests broke out, Trump fled Canvey Island in a speedboat, screaming about “election fraud” and “rigged British currency.”
Back at Mar-a-Lago, he sighed.
“Well, Canvey was a disaster, Jaywick hates me, and the British government probably won’t let me back.”
Rudy, still holding a scotch, nodded. “Boss, I’ve got another idea.”
Trump leaned in.
“Have you heard of the Isle of Sheppey?”
Trump grinned.
“Get me a map.”
