In what can only be described as a deal no one saw coming (or wanted), soon-to-be ex-President Donald J. Trump has reportedly negotiated an agreement with Ukraine to purchase the country’s entire supply of plastic. The purpose? To manufacture billions of Trump-branded plastic straws, ensuring that he never runs out of what he has repeatedly called “the only true way to drink a Diet Coke.”
According to insiders, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky will be meeting with Trump tomorrow to sign the agreement, solidifying a deal that has puzzled environmentalists, economists, and anyone with basic common sense.
The Details of the Deal
Sources close to the negotiation have revealed key terms of the agreement:
- Ukraine will sell 100% of its plastic waste and surplus plastic materials to Trump Enterprises at a mystifyingly low price.
- Trump will use the plastic exclusively to produce red, extra-long, extra-thick, “100% anti-woke” straws branded with his name in 24-karat gold lettering.
- Each straw will be sold for $9.99, with an exclusive MAGA membership bundle available for $99.99, which includes a year’s supply of straws and a handwritten letter from Trump himself (printed on plastic).
- Zelensky will receive an honorary gold-plated Trump Straw, which Trump has called “the highest honour a world leader can receive.”
While exact financial details remain undisclosed, reports suggest that Trump has promised to pay Ukraine in “future campaign donations” and an undisclosed number of Trump University diplomas.
Trump’s Justification for the Deal
During an impromptu press conference held inside a McDonald’s, Trump explained his reasoning behind the deal:
“Folks, let me tell you, plastic straws are under attack. The radical left, they want you to sip your Diet Coke with a soggy paper mess—just disgusting. You take one sip, it collapses. Total failure. But me? I drink only from Trump Straws. The best straws, the manliest straws, straws so powerful they can hold up a Big Mac!”
“Now, my very good friend Zelensky, he called me, he said, ‘Sir, we have too much plastic.’ And I said, ‘Wow, perfect! I need more straws!’ So we made the deal. The best deal.“
Asked whether he was aware that Ukraine was in the middle of a war, Trump responded, “That’s their business. I’m here for straws.”
Zelensky’s Reaction
Ukrainian officials, meanwhile, have been strangely quiet about the deal. However, an anonymous source from the Ukrainian government leaked a message allegedly sent by Zelensky to his advisors:
“Is this guy serious? We thought he wanted to discuss military aid. Now he’s talking about straws? I think he still believes he’s some sort of president.”
Despite the confusion, Zelensky is scheduled to meet Trump tomorrow to officially sign the agreement, though insiders say Ukraine is mostly going along with it just to see if Trump is actually delusional enough to go through with it.
Political and Public Reactions
The reaction to the Trump-Ukraine Straw Deal has been a mix of outrage, disbelief, and mild amusement:
- Democrats: “This is the dumbest foreign policy decision since he tried to buy Greenland.”
- Republicans: “We fully support our dear leader in his fight against woke straws.”
- Environmentalists: “We are so tired.”
- Fox News: “Why this is actually a genius move by Trump to restore American greatness!”
- CNN: “Experts suggest this could be the most bizarre trade deal in history.”
Meanwhile, Trump supporters have already begun pre-ordering Trump Straws, with one fan stating:
“I don’t care if he loses the election—if he keeps making strong, patriotic straws, I’m all in.”
Conclusion
As Trump prepares to exit the political stage, he seems determined to secure his legacy—not as a former president, but as the man who single-handedly saved plastic straws. Whether or not Zelensky actually signs the deal tomorrow remains to be seen, but one thing is certain:
This is exactly the kind of absurd headline we should have expected from Trump’s final days.
