Millionaires Beg Prime Minister: “Please Tax Us More… We’ve Run Out of Things to Buy!”
Treasury Left Confused After Britain’s Richest Queue Up to Hand Over More Money
LONDON — Newly appointed Prime Minister Andy Burnham has received an extraordinary open letter from 120 wealthy Britons—including former footballer Gary Lineker and music producer Brian Eno—politely asking the Government to tax them more.
The group, organised by Patriotic Millionaires, insisted they could easily afford higher taxes on wealth and argued it would help create a fairer society.
Unfortunately, the letter has caused complete panic among Treasury officials.
“It’s the first time in history we’ve had people voluntarily asking to pay more tax,” admitted one bewildered civil servant.
“We assumed it was a phishing email.”
Officials reportedly checked the message six times for signs it had been hacked.
One Treasury worker confessed,
“Usually our job is trying to explain why taxes exist.”
“Now we’re trying to explain why people want more of them.”
Quentin Thrustbucket, reporting for The Daily Scrotum, visited Downing Street, where he found a growing queue of millionaires carrying cheque books.
One businessman sighed,
“I’ve already got six Ferraris.”
“Only four of them fit in the garage.”
Another admitted,
“I’ve bought an island.”
“Turns out mowing it is a nightmare.”
Former footballer Gary Lineker was reportedly overheard saying,
“I’ve reached the stage where every birthday present is another cashmere jumper.”
Music producer Brian Eno allegedly added,
“I’ve started composing songs using the sound of my accountant crying.”
Inspired by the campaign, other wealthy Britons have begun confessing to financial problems of a very different kind.
One billionaire admitted,
“I accidentally bought my third yacht because I thought it was the second one.”
Another confessed,
“I keep forgetting which wine cellar I’m standing in.”
The Prime Minister thanked the group for their letter but admitted it had created a difficult administrative challenge.
“We’ve spent years trying to stop people avoiding tax.”
“We’ve never had to stop them chasing us down Whitehall waving cheque books.”
Meanwhile, Britain’s wealthiest residents have reportedly started competing over who can pay the most.
One millionaire proudly declared,
“I paid an extra £100,000 this morning.”
His rival replied,
“That’s nothing.”
“I accidentally left the heating on in one of my castles.”
The Treasury is now said to be considering a new honours system.
Instead of receiving medals, generous taxpayers would earn titles such as:
- Sir Paysalot
- Lady Generosity
- Baron of the Budget
- Duke of Direct Debit
Quentin Thrustbucket also discovered an unofficial support group meeting in Knightsbridge.
The sign outside read:
“People With More Money Than Cupboards.”
Members shared emotional stories.
“I’ve run out of walls for my paintings.”
“My wine collection has its own postcode.”
“I accidentally tipped the gardener with a racehorse.”
At the time of publication, Andy Burnham was said to be carefully considering the millionaires’ request.
However, Treasury officials confirmed one important condition.
Any wealthy person voluntarily paying extra tax would first need to complete a brand-new Government form consisting of 427 pages, provide 18 forms of identification, and wait six to eight months for permission.
The application ends with one simple question:
“Are you absolutely sure you’ve gone completely barking?”
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Top reaction: 🥜 Lost Their Marbles
