Government’s little-known Department of Urinals launches nationwide campaign inviting Americans to “Come and Have a Trump Here”
By Phil McCavity — Chief Sanitary Affairs & Presidential Plumbing Correspondent
Donald Trump has never been particularly shy about putting his name on things.
Hotels, towers, golf courses, buildings and assorted other monuments to modesty have all carried the Trump name over the years.
Now one previously overlooked corner of the US Government has decided there are still hundreds of thousands of prominent American surfaces crying out for presidential branding.
The Department of Urinals has stepped in.
Following an emergency 11-minute meeting in Washington, the department has unveiled what it describes as the largest public-convenience rebranding programme in American history.
The slogan is beautifully simple:
COME AND HAVE A TRUMP HERE
Under the new Make America Go Again programme, every public urinal in the United States will receive an official waterproof photograph of a broadly smiling Donald Trump.
The President’s photograph will be positioned immediately above the urinal at what government engineers have designated Presidential Eye Level.
Underneath will appear the words:
DONALD J. TRUMP
45TH & 47TH PRESIDENT
COME AND HAVE A TRUMP HERE
“AMERICA HAS A LOT OF URINALS”
A Department of Urinals spokesman explained the thinking behind the programme.
“President Trump likes his name on things,” he said.
“America has a lot of urinals.
“We put the two together.
“Frankly, we’re astonished nobody thought of it sooner.”
Department officials believe airports, railway stations, sports stadiums, bars, restaurants, government buildings, shopping centres and motorway services could provide millions of opportunities every day for Americans to have a Trump.
Airports are regarded as particularly important.
“People ignore advertising all the time,” explained one official.
“But after six beers and a three-hour flight delay, we’ve got their complete attention.”
MAR-A-LAGO GETS THE GOLD VERSION
Not every Trump will be equal.
Ordinary government buildings will receive the standard laminated Trump Classic.
Airports will be upgraded to the larger Trump International.
Golf clubs will receive the more sophisticated Trump Executive Relief, complete with gold lettering and the reassuring message:
TAKE YOUR TIME. YOU’VE EARNED IT.
Mar-a-Lago has requested the Presidential Gold Flush Collection.
Plans for a solid-gold urinal were abandoned when Treasury officials discovered that the federal toilet budget was only $14.72 and somebody had already spent $9 of it on a new toilet brush.
Trump Tower, meanwhile, is expected to offer the premium commercial version:
COME AND HAVE A TRUMP — $25
Towels will be extra.
WOMEN DEMAND EQUAL TRUMPING RIGHTS
The programme encountered its first major difficulty when somebody at the Department of Urinals pointed out that roughly half the population doesn’t normally use urinals.
An emergency Presidential Toilet Equality Taskforce was immediately established.
Women’s toilets will now receive a modified sign reading:
DON’T WORRY — YOU CAN HAVE A TRUMP TOO
Officials briefly considered extending the scheme to baby-changing facilities.
The proposal was withdrawn after someone around the table quietly said:
“Perhaps we’d better not.”
Nobody disagreed.
INTRODUCING THE TRUMP-O-METER
Phase Two will bring the Trump experience into the digital age.
Selected urinals will be fitted with electronic Trump-O-Meters, allowing Americans to receive an instant presidential performance assessment.
Results will be displayed on a screen above the urinal:
UNDER 20 SECONDS: SAD!
20–40 SECONDS: GOOD AMERICAN!
40–60 SECONDS: TREMENDOUS!
OVER ONE MINUTE: PLEASE CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR!
Users achieving the coveted TREMENDOUS rating will hear a presidential announcement:
“Incredible flow. Really incredible. People are saying possibly the strongest flow they’ve ever seen.”
There will also be a leaderboard.
The Department of Urinals has confirmed that names will not be displayed for privacy reasons.
Just state, time and distance.
Texas is confident.
AMERICA EMBRACES “HAVING A TRUMP”
Government linguists are predicting that the campaign could permanently change the English language.
Instead of saying:
“I’m going to the toilet.”
Americans will simply announce:
“I’m going for a Trump.”
Restaurants are already preparing signs:
CUSTOMERS ONLY — NO TRUMPING WITHOUT PURCHASE
Bars will announce:
LAST ORDERS — HAVE YOUR FINAL TRUMP NOW
Motorway services:
NEXT TRUMP — 42 MILES
And at airports:
PLEASE HAVE YOUR TRUMP BEFORE BOARDING
Tourists unfamiliar with the terminology may initially be confused.
British visitors are expected to understand immediately.
PRESIDENTIAL MERCHANDISING OPPORTUNITIES
The commercial possibilities are enormous.
Miniature Come and Have a Trump Here signs are expected for domestic bathrooms.
Petrol stations will sell Trump toilet fresheners.
Hotels are considering introducing the Trump Suite, although management has been advised to explain very carefully what that means.
There is even a proposal to replace America’s traditional restroom signs:
MEN
WOMEN
TRUMP
Nobody knows what’s behind the third door.
Officials recommend leaving it that way.
DEPARTMENT ALREADY PLANNING NEXT CAMPAIGN
With the urinal programme expected to bring presidential branding into some of America’s most frequently visited locations, the Department of Urinals is already considering where the Trump name should appear next.
Toilet rolls were discussed.
That meeting ended badly.
Toilet brushes have been referred to a congressional committee.
Sewage-treatment plants remain under active consideration.
But the department believes it has finally identified the perfect location for the next nationwide Trump branding campaign.
Every electric hand dryer in America.
The proposed inscription has already been submitted for presidential approval:
TRUMP
FULL OF HOT AIR SINCE 1946
Officials are predicting unusually strong bipartisan support.
The Daily Scrotum Disclaimer: This story is entirely fictional satire intended for humour and entertainment. The Department of Urinals, “Come and Have a Trump Here” campaign, Make America Go Again programme, quotations, Trump-O-Meter and associated toilet initiatives described above are invented and should not be interpreted as factual reporting.
What did you think of this story?
The Scrotumometer starts each story with lively starter scores. Your real vote is added on top.
Top reaction: 🥜 Lost Their Marbles
