Trump Declares War on The Daily Scrotum… Then Secretly Reads It Every Morning

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has launched what he calls a “very strong, very beautiful attack” on The Daily Scrotum, accusing the satirical newspaper of publishing “fake stories that are unbelievably accurate.”

Speaking outside the White House, Trump complained that the publication had become “totally unfair.”

“They keep printing stories about me buying bottled water for swimming pools, getting knocked out by kangaroos and building gold-plated bucket vending machines. It’s outrageous. None of those things have happened… yet.”

However, matters became slightly awkward when White House insiders revealed that almost the entire administration begins each morning by reading The Daily Scrotum before looking at any official intelligence briefings.

One anonymous aide admitted:

“We used to start the day with classified security updates. Now everyone asks, ‘Has Quentin written anything new?'”

According to staff members, the President’s Daily Brief has now been pushed into second place, with Quentin Thrustbucket’s latest masterpiece becoming compulsory reading in several departments.

Even more surprising are reports that Quentin receives regular telephone calls from officials inside what has become known as the “Trump Regime Appreciation Department.”

Far from complaining, many staff apparently ring simply to congratulate him.

One caller allegedly said:

“Mr Thrustbucket, we’d just like to thank you for continuing to publish all the truth. Frankly, your version of events is much more entertaining than the real meetings.”

Another reportedly added:

“We’ve stopped taking minutes during Cabinet meetings because Quentin usually writes a better version by lunchtime.”

White House switchboard operators say Quentin’s number has now been added to the government’s speed-dial list under the heading:

“Emergency Reality Enhancement Department.”

The relationship has become so close that aides reportedly check The Daily Scrotum every morning to find out what policies they are expected to announce later that day.

“It’s much easier,” explained one adviser.

“Sometimes Quentin invents ideas we wish we’d thought of ourselves.”

Meanwhile, Quentin Thrustbucket insists he has absolutely no inside sources.

“I simply sit in my office with a strong cup of tea, stare out of the window for ten minutes and wait for complete nonsense to arrive. Somehow, Washington keeps helping.”

In an unexpected twist, the White House has allegedly offered Quentin an honorary position as Special Advisor for Things That Probably Never Happened but Sound Like They Might Have Done.

At the time of publication, President Trump had posted seventeen messages insisting he had never read The Daily Scrotum, before accidentally ending his final statement with the words:

“…and I very much enjoyed today’s front-page story.”