In the dimly lit alleyways of Toronto, tucked between a discount tattoo parlor and a questionable shawarma joint, lies a tiny, unassuming bar called Bourbon. It was the kind of place where the jukebox only played Johnny Cash, the barstools wobbled just enough to be dangerous, and the bartender, Big Eddie, had a face that suggested he’d been punched at least twice a day for the past 30 years.

But now, Bourbon had done something historic, reckless, and highly hazardous to public safety—they had started producing their own house-made bourbon. And not just any bourbon.

“80% PROOF? WHO APPROVED THIS?!”

Bourbon’s new concoction, unofficially named “Toronto Tumbler”, was clocking in at a staggering 80% proof (40% alcohol by volume)—or as one horrified doctor put it, “the equivalent of being kicked in the face by a moose.”

Locals, never ones to turn down a challenge, flocked to Bourbon to try the now-infamous house drink. Unfortunately, it had a side effect that no one anticipated: people were falling down. Everywhere.

The Great Toronto Tumble Crisis

Night after night, unsuspecting bar-goers would stumble out of Bourbon and immediately lose all control of their legs. It started with Steve from down the street, who left Bourbon confidently only to trip over absolutely nothing and land directly in a pile of discarded poutine boxes.

Then came Karen from accounting, who tried to hail a cab but fell into the cab instead.

By the weekend, entire sidewalks were littered with wobbly, glassy-eyed locals, collapsing in slow motion like drunk dominoes.

• 911 operators were overwhelmed: “Ma’am, did you say he fell down?”
  • “Yes, but so did the five guys behind him. It’s spreading.”
• Uber drivers refused pickups after multiple passengers just rolled into their backseats like boneless chickens.
• Local pigeons were reportedly confused as to why their usual sidewalk competition had vanished overnight.

Authorities Try (And Fail) to Intervene

Toronto police attempted to investigate Bourbon’s new product but ended up tasting it “for evidence” and were found hours later playing street hockey with a baguette.

The Mayor of Toronto, after hearing of the crisis, personally visited Bourbon to try a sip. Witnesses say he stood up, declared “This is the greatest mistake ever made!” and promptly fell face-first into his own security detail.

Bourbon’s Official Response?

Big Eddie, the bartender and architect of Toronto’s mass collapses, simply shrugged.

“Hey, people wanted stronger drinks. We just… gave them what they asked for.”

He then offered reporters a free shot, which they wisely declined.

The Aftermath

The Toronto Tumbler Crisis finally came to a head when the city installed padded sidewalks outside Bourbon and handrails every five feet. It’s now the only street in Canada where the “walk” signal comes with a mandatory safety harness.

Despite all this, Bourbon’s popularity skyrocketed. Customers kept coming back, mostly because the experience was “like taking a shot and then immediately traveling through time.”

Final Thought?

Bourbon’s legendary 80% proof drink may have turned Toronto into a citywide obstacle course, but locals seem fine with it.

As one happy (yet horizontal) customer put it:
“Yeah, I fall down every time I drink here. But honestly? The bourbon’s worth it.”