Trump’s Bold Executive Order: Chop Down Every Tree to Save the Insects!
Washington, D.C. – In what experts are calling “The Most Tremendous Environmental Policy of All Time”, soon to be former President Donald J. Trump has signed a groundbreaking executive order requiring the immediate cutting down of every single tree in the United States—all in the name of saving insects from the horrors of concrete bricks.
At a midnight press conference held outside Mar-a-Lago (because real leaders don’t follow normal working hours), Trump declared:
**“Look, folks, trees are nice. Some people like trees. I like trees. But let’s be honest—DO TREES PAY TAXES? No! Do trees vote for Trump? No! Have trees ever built a luxury golf resort? Absolutely not! So, you know what? Time to go. Time to GO.”
The Genius Behind the Plan
Trump explained his bigly strategy for America’s New Wood Age:
- Cut down every tree → America gets more lumber → Build all houses from wood.
- No more bricks → Insects can live peacefully → Trump is now an environmental hero.
- America wins. Everyone loves it.
“It’s a tremendous plan, people!” he insisted. “I talked to some very smart guys, great guys—they say bricks are a total disaster for insects! Concrete is killing them! But wood? Wood is very nice, very warm, a very pro-insect material. So we’re bringing back WOOD, folks!”
When asked about deforestation, Trump waved the question away.
“Look, the FAKE NEWS will say this is bad for the environment, okay? They’ll say, ‘Oh no, where will the squirrels go?’ Folks, I love squirrels. Great animals. But let’s be real: Squirrels are doing just fine. What we need to focus on is preserving the termites, the ants, the cockroaches—beautiful creatures! They LOVE wood! So I’m actually helping nature.”
Reactions From Scientists
Environmental experts were reportedly sent into cardiac arrest upon hearing the news. One biologist screamed, “WHAT?!?!” so loudly that he caused a small earthquake in California.
Dr. Linda Green, an ecologist, attempted to explain why trees were important. “Trees… produce oxygen. Without them, we literally won’t be able to breathe.”
Trump, overhearing this, interrupted:
**“Fake news! I breathe just fine. You know what produces oxygen? My speeches. Everyone who hears them says, ‘Wow, I can breathe better now.’ That’s the power of Trump. I AM THE OXYGEN NOW.”
The Lumber Industry Reacts
The CEO of Home Depot was seen fainting from joy. Lumber companies immediately renamed their businesses “Trump Wood, Inc.” Stocks in chainsaws skyrocketed, with the STIHL company renaming their newest model “The Trump Timber Terminator 5000.”
Biden Responds
Ex President Joe Biden, when asked for a comment, reportedly looked confused. “Trees? Oh, yeah. Those are… those are important, right? Uh, I think my uncle was a tree once.”
Lindsey Graham Named ‘Secretary of Wood Affairs’
To oversee this historical transformation, Trump appointed Lindsey Graham as the official Secretary of Wood Affairs.
“This is an honor, Mr. President,” Graham gushed. “I will personally oversee the cutting down of every single tree in this country, and if it pleases you, sir, I’ll even chop them with my own bare hands.”
Trump nodded approvingly. “Tremendous commitment. Very strong hands. He’s the Paul Bunyan of the Scrotum Party.”
Final Thoughts
As the sun sets on America’s forests for the last time, Trump is already thinking ahead.
“I tell you, it’s gonna be beautiful. Imagine an America with zero trees, just miles and miles of beautiful wooden homes. And you know what? We’re even going to sell our new ‘Trump Trees’ to Canada. They’re gonna love it. They’ll pay for it.”
Meanwhile, somewhere deep in a forest, a squirrel is filing for asylum in Canada.
