Wales Puts the Pedal to the Metal: Minimum Speed Law Leaves Residents in a Spin!
In a groundbreaking decision that has left pedestrians clinging to lampposts and cyclists applying for asylum in England, the First Minister of Wales has officially increased the minimum speed limit from 20 mph to 70 mph. Anyone caught driving at a more leisurely pace will be fined £50 on the spot—presumably by an officer sprinting alongside their vehicle, trying to keep up.
The Bryngwyn Boost
No one is happier about this than the good people of Bryngwyn Road, Newport, where the local council has been struggling for years with out-of-control hedgerows and rebellious front lawns. Now, thanks to the sheer velocity of passing vehicles, homeowners are experiencing free lawn maintenance via the newly discovered “wind turbine effect.”
Mike, who resides at number 34, is particularly thrilled. I have never seen my wife’s bush so clean. “I used to have to get out the old Super Thrust 3000 every week to keep the garden tidy,” he said, sipping a pint while his neighbour’s dustbin tumbled past at 80 mph. “Now, my wife’s bush practically trims itself. A few good gusts, and it’s neater than a Royal Garden.”
Local scientists (or at least Barry from the pub, who once watched a YouTube video on aerodynamics) have calculated that cars now generate enough wind power to turn even the laziest patch of grass into a perfectly manicured lawn. As a result, local turf shops are in crisis, with many considering pivoting to artificial grass or selling parachutes for particularly lightweight pets.
Handpost Takeaways Join Forces
Over in the Handpost, the takeaway owners have joined forces like a curry-fuelled Avengers team to cover the cost of speeding fines for their customers. “It’s a win-win,” said Raj from Tikka Town, while trying to catch a rogue naan bread that had just been launched from a speeding driver’s passenger window. “The faster they get home, the hotter the food stays. And no more soggy poppadoms!”
To support the scheme, takeaways have even introduced new ‘Speedway Specials’—a deal that rewards customers for arriving at speeds of 100 mph or more. Those caught doing under 70 mph will now be forced to eat their biryani in the car park as penance.
Unexpected Consequences
While many are thrilled with the policy, not everyone is celebrating. Local speed cameras have burst into flames, unable to process the sheer volume of infractions. Car insurance companies are considering leaving Wales altogether, citing “excessive claims involving airborne sausages and flying traffic cones.”
Meanwhile, residents on Bryngwyn Road have started wearing goggles just to take their bins out, and one man reported that his pet tortoise was last seen in mid-air heading toward Cardiff. Authorities have yet to comment on whether this is now technically a case for Air Traffic Control.
The Future of Welsh Roads
Despite the chaos, the First Minister remains firm in his stance. “This is about efficiency, modernization, and making sure no one ever has to suffer through lukewarm chips again,” he stated. “Besides, have you ever seen a hedgerow this tidy? The results speak for themselves.”
As Wales enters this new, high-speed era, one thing is certain: Bryngwyn Road may soon be the first place on Earth where residents get fined for mowing their lawns too often.
