CONFIDENTIAL WHITE HOUSE MEMO
Subject: Operation MAGA-Mall: Trump’s Presidential Rebranding Plan
In an unprecedented fusion of governance and garage sales, Donald J. Trump has announced a bold new initiative: the complete rebranding of the Oval Office into a dynamic, multi-use showroom-slash-brand-ambassador-hub — complete with commercial plots, product showcases, and an adjacent used car lot affectionately dubbed “Trump’s Presidential Pre-Owned Powerhouse.”
Key Features of the “Oval Office Brand Integration Strategy” (OOBIS):
1. Presidential Product Placement: Gone are the staid furnishings of Roosevelt and Kennedy — the Resolute Desk now sits beneath a giant gold-plated sign reading “TRUMP BRANDS – WORLD’S GREATEST STUFF”. The room features rotating product showcases including:
- Trump Steaks (“Now with extra questionable marbling”)
- Trump Water (“99.8% water!”)
- Trump Vitamins (“May or may not be FDA adjacent”)
- MAGA Toaster Ovens (“They don’t toast. They inspire.”)
Each cabinet meeting will now begin with a 30-second sponsored message, and the nuclear football has been rebranded as the Trump Deluxe Emergency Golf Kit.
2. Rent-a-Corner: In a genius move of monetization, Trump has announced that one corner of the Oval Office is now for rent. Yes, for the modest price of “whatever the highest lunatic will pay,” individuals and corporations can display their goods right there in the epicenter of American power.
Current front-runner? A crypto casino based on NFTs of Elvis impersonators riding bald eagles.
3. The Car Dealership Lot: Just outside the West Wing, the Rose Garden has been replaced with rows of gently-used, totally-believable-mileage vehicles with bright orange “TRUMP APPROVED” stickers on the windshields. Sales pitches include:
- “This Buick was driven by Ivanka… maybe!”
- “Buy this Hummer, get a free bottle of cologne and a signed subpoena.”
- “Zero percent interest if you promise to storm a Capitol.”
Staffers are required to wear red “MAGA Motors” polo shirts on Mondays.
4. Monthly $500 Car Boot Sale: Every second Sunday of the month, the South Lawn will host a “Mega MAGA Market” — a glorified car boot sale where, for just $500, anyone (even people who don’t believe the moon landing was faked) can hawk their junk.
Expect to see:
- Used tanning beds
- 1,000 leftover Trump University diplomas
- Boxes of unopened Trump Board Games
- “Melania’s Gently-Worn Slippers” (sold “as seen”)
The event promises “free” lemonade (for $14.99) and live music from Ted Nugent’s cousin’s cover band.
National Reaction:
Reactions have been mixed:
- Wall Street calls it “an innovative crossover between e-commerce and authoritarian cosplay.”
- Historians are already weeping.
- Mar-a-Lago insiders say Trump is “very excited to finally bring QVC energy to the presidency.”
Rumors suggest that next he may auction off Lincoln’s bedroom for “Airbnb Patriot Weekends” featuring pillow fights with Mike Lindell.
Stay tuned. And bring cash.
End of Memo.
