BREAKING: Quentin Thrustbucket Signs Executive Order Requiring Immediate Beer Refills at All Bars
In an unprecedented move that experts are calling “historic, if mildly intoxicated,” I, Quentin Thrustbucket, Supreme Chancellor of My Own Good Time, have just signed Executive Order #001: The Bottomless Brew Mandate.
Effective immediately, any bar I enter is now legally required to refill my beer the moment my glass begins to look even slightly half-hearted. No questions asked. No foam excuses.
The Executive Order (scribbled on a napkin and notarized by a tipsy notary named Carl):
“WHEREAS, a thirsty man is an unproductive man,
AND WHEREAS, Quentin Thrustbucket cannot be expected to rule, reason, or do the Macarena sober,
IT IS HEREBY DECLARED:
Any bar, pub, alehouse, brewery, tavern, dive, or suspicious-looking shed that serves beer shall ensure that Quentin Thrustbucket’s glass is never less than 75% full. Failure to comply will result in immediate side-eye, dramatic sighs, and exaggerated storytelling about that one time I almost started a brewery with Keanu Reeves.”
The Public Response
Bartenders across the nation are divided:
- Tina from The Sloshed Goat in Boise said,
“He tried to get a pint refill in the restroom. I said no. He gave me a citation written in mustard.” - Robert from the Yes Eat in Bang Sue Thailand was more supportive:
“He brought his own coasters and tipped in scratch cards. The man’s a visionary.” - Beverage industry groups are scrambling to calculate the economic impact of keeping Quentin’s pint full 24/7. Early estimates suggest at least one brewery will need to run on solar power and pure ambition.
Enforcement Mechanism
To ensure proper compliance, I have appointed my loyal beer inspector, Sir Mugsworth McChug, a golden retriever in a bowtie, who will randomly enter bars and:
- Sniff the air dramatically
- Bark once for “beer low,” twice for “emergency top-up”
- Lick strangers until a fresh pint appears
Opposition? Minimal.
One local politician voiced concern, saying:
“This sets a dangerous precedent. What’s next? Free nachos by royal decree?”
To which I responded:
“Write that down. Executive Order #002: Nachos for All.”
Final Thoughts
Critics may say it’s irresponsible. That it’s indulgent. That it was signed on the back of a receipt for hot wings.
But I say this:
“A dry glass is a threat to democracy.”
So, to all barkeeps near and far:
Keep it cold. Keep it full. Keep it coming.
Because I, Quentin Thrustbucket, have spoken. And my glass is lookin’ suspiciously light again.
Cheers.
