Trump Imposes Tariffs on His Own Hotels and Golf Clubs – Orange Balls Now Mandatory
PALM BEACH, FL – In a move that has economists baffled, club members annoyed, and orange paint manufacturers thrilled, Donald J. Trump has announced a personal tariff on anyone staying at his hotels or playing at his golf clubs.
“Look, folks, I’m the best at tariffs. Nobody does tariffs like me. So I figured, why should China have all the fun? I’m putting a tariff on luxury. On greatness. On… me,” Trump said, while teeing off at Mar-a-Lago with what appeared to be a pumpkin-colored golf ball.
The Trump Tariff Plan: “Tremendous Fees for Tremendous Luxury”
According to the new policy:
- Guests at Trump Hotels will be charged a “Presidential Value Surcharge” of 19.99%
- Golf club members will pay a new “Fairway Freedom Fee” of $177.60 annually (in honor of “America, and also how many times I beat Tiger Woods in my dreams”)
- Late check-outs will incur a penalty of having to listen to Trump’s 2020 campaign speeches on loop in the lobby
“It’s a small price to pay for MAGA-quality sleep and luxury towel embroidery,” said one confused guest at the Trump International Hotel who had only come in to use the restroom.
Orange Golf Balls: Now Mandatory
As part of the rollout, Trump declared that only orange golf balls may now be used on any Trump course.
“They match my complexion. They’re easier to find. They’re patriotic. And frankly, they’re beautiful,” Trump explained, while holding up one with his face printed on it and the slogan:
“YOU’RE FIRED… INTO THE ROUGH!”
Golfers who show up with white or colored balls will be handed a Trump-branded paint marker and charged a “ball tone correction fee.”
Caddies now carry a special pouch labeled “Presidential Hue Adjuster” (a.k.a. a can of spray tan).
Club Members React
Longtime Trump golf club member Biff Chesterton III expressed concern:
“I love Don, I really do, but these orange balls are impossible to find in sand traps. I’ve lost twelve this week and hit a flamingo.”
Others are leaning into it. One guest wore a full orange tracksuit and insisted he felt “more connected to the ball’s aura.”
The Hotels: A New Level of Self-Taxation
Room service menus now include a “Greatness Surcharge,” with a fine print note that reads:
“Includes luxury, nostalgia, and mild paranoia. Non-refundable.”
Guests are also being offered optional “Tariff Tiers”:
- Gold Package: Includes a handshake from a framed photo of Trump
- Platinum Package: Includes a breakfast buffet and a motivational tweet sent from a bot named “MiniDon”
- Ultimate Patriot Package: Sleep under a gold-plated portrait of Trump staring directly into your soul
Economists Are… Perplexed
“It’s the first time in history a business has taxed its own customers for patronizing it… and called it patriotism,” said Dr. Linda Whiffle from the Institute for Economic Confusion.
Final Thoughts
As Trump continues to redefine capitalism, golf etiquette, and the color wheel, loyal fans are embracing the chaos—and reluctantly paying the fees. Meanwhile, his clubs now advertise:
“COME FOR THE COURSE. STAY FOR THE ORANGE.”
And remember: if you’re staying at a Trump property and hear a loudspeaker shout “tariff enforcement in progress”, don’t panic—it’s probably just a room service guy in an orange polo holding a glittering golf ball and a receipt for $99.99. Plus tip.
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