TOP-SECRET REPORT: WHEN WILL TRUMP WAVE THE WHITE FLAG?
(Proudly Displayed on Gordon’s Office Wall, Next to the Banana Supply Cabinet)
Prepared by: Gordon, Chief Space Advisor & Future White House Overlord
Date: February 23, 2025
Security Level: Only those with opposable thumbs may read
INTRODUCTION: HOW LONG CAN HE LAST?
Ah, the age-old question—how long before Trump realizes that being president (again) is way harder than yelling at people on Truth Social and playing golf at Mar-a-Lago? While some say he’ll last the full four years, others predict he’ll crumble faster than a soggy Big Mac.
To prepare for the inevitable, Gordon has commissioned this highly scientific, 100% accurate report. (Note: We have outsourced fact-checking to a team of bananas, so accuracy may vary.)
FACTORS THAT COULD FORCE TRUMP TO RESIGN
- Legal Problems (a.k.a. The Walls Are Closing In… Again)
- Investigations, lawsuits, and surprise subpoenas could make him realize that the White House isn’t just a fancy hotel where he can refuse to pay the bills.
- If Gordon declares him “too unstable to lead,” he may be relocated to a luxury banana farm in Florida (also known as house arrest).
- Internal White House Drama (a.k.a. The Hunger Games: MAGA Edition)
- Staff turnover will hit record-breaking levels—his advisors will either quit, be fired via tweet, or disappear into the Mar-a-Lago swamp.
- Even the presidential pets may demand better working conditions.
- The Republican Party Finally Has Enough (Maybe?)
- The Banana Republicans (led by Gordon’s siblings, Reginald and Freda) may stage a “polite but firm” coup and replace him with someone who knows how to pronounce “anonymous.”
- Health Concerns (a.k.a. The McDonald’s Diet Strikes Back)
- If he survives a four-year diet of Diet Coke, fried chicken, and rage, doctors will publish a miracle study proving that anger is the key to immortality.
- The Gordon Factor (a.k.a. When Enough Is Enough)
- Gordon has already dealt with Elon Musk’s nonsense—he is not afraid to pull the emergency banana lever and send Trump on a one-way trip to Planet Musko.
BETTING ODDS: TRUMP’S GREAT ESCAPE
| Resignation Date | Odds to Bet | Gordon’s Expert Analysis |
|---|---|---|
| March 1, 2025 | 5.0 | “Fastest exit possible. May claim ‘fake news presidency’ and flee to a secret golden bunker.” |
| June 15, 2025 | 3.5 | “Summer heat + scandal = ideal quitting conditions.” |
| September 30, 2025 | 2.8 | “Most likely. By this time, staff will be gone, Congress will be rioting, and even Mar-a-Lago will refuse him entry.” |
| January 10, 2026 | 2.0 | “New Year’s resolution: Quit while he’s ahead. (He won’t, but we can dream.)” |
| July 4, 2026 | 1.5 | “A patriotic exit: ‘I did it for America!’—as he boards the last Air Force One flight to exile.” |
| Never | 10.0 | “If this happens, Gordon will begin planning a mass chimp uprising.” |
GORDON’S FINAL DECISION
After deep reflection (and 14 bananas), Gordon is betting on September 30, 2025 as the date Trump finally taps out.
To commemorate this inevitable event, Gordon has:
- Commissioned a “Trump Resignation Countdown Clock” to be installed in the Oval Office.
- Created a “Banana Republicans Takeover Plan” (Reginald and Freda are already picking their cabinet).
- Ordered a giant “YOU’RE FIRED” banner for Trump’s farewell party.
If, for some reason, Trump refuses to go, Gordon will personally escort him onto the next SpaceX flight to “think about his choices” on Mars.
Until then, this report shall remain proudly displayed on Gordon’s Wall of Justice and Banana-Related Decisions.
End of Report.
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