Starring Gordon the Chimpanzee as Chief Judge
The White House had seen its fair share of history, but never had it been filled with so much flour, butter, and sheer panic. This was no ordinary day—it was the first-ever Great British Bake Off: White House Edition, and to make things even more interesting, the chief judge wasn’t Mary Berry or Paul Hollywood, but Gordon the Chimpanzee, the world’s most discerning (and chaotic) baking critic.
As the competitors—President Joe Biden, former President Donald Trump, Michelle Obama, and Elon Musk—donned their aprons, the tension in the room was thicker than an underbaked sponge cake.
The Signature Challenge: Presidential Pastries
“Alright, bakers!” announced Noel Fielding, who had somehow ended up as the event’s host. “For your first challenge, you’ll have two hours to make a pastry inspired by your time in office… or your billion-dollar space empire.”
Biden, muttering something about his grandmother’s apple pie, immediately began chopping apples, but seemed to lose track of what he was doing halfway through. At one point, he started zesting an onion.
Trump, meanwhile, went all out with a “Big, Beautiful Croissant”, claiming it was “the best croissant, folks, nobody’s ever seen a croissant like this before.” Unfortunately, he spent more time talking about how perfect it was than actually baking it.
Michelle Obama was a picture of calm, crafting a healthy, vegetable-infused puff pastry, muttering, “If I can get America to eat kale chips, I can get them to eat spinach-filled éclairs.”
Elon Musk, true to form, had 3D-printed his pastry dough with a Tesla-branded kitchen gadget he called the “Bakex 3000”. It produced an elegant, futuristic croissant, but also occasionally caught fire.
Gordon the Chimp’s Judgment
Gordon the Chimpanzee sat in the judge’s chair, wearing a tiny chef’s hat and holding a clipboard, though he mostly used it to swat flies.
First up was Biden’s “Memory Pie”—which unfortunately had no filling, as he had completely forgotten to add it. Gordon took a bite, gave Biden a confused look, and promptly threw the pie across the room.
Trump’s croissant was next. It was massive, golden-brown (suspiciously orange), and absolutely smothered in edible gold flakes. Gordon took a bite, made a thoughtful face… and then gave it a handshake—a rare Chimp’s Hollywood Handshake. Trump nearly burst into tears of joy. “This is the greatest chimp, folks. Just tremendous.”
Michelle Obama’s Spinach & Carrot Puff was met with suspicion. Gordon took a bite, chewed thoughtfully, then dramatically spat it into the lap of King Charles, who had inexplicably turned up for the event. “It’s healthy, Gordon,” Michelle reasoned. Gordon simply threw the plate off the table.
Then came Elon Musk’s AI-Generated Croissant. It looked perfect. Too perfect. Gordon took a single bite, then immediately started pressing invisible buttons in the air like a malfunctioning robot. After a tense moment, he leapt onto the table, grabbed a wooden spoon, and declared war on the Bake Off tent. Chaos ensued.
The Showstopper: The Presidential Cake
With flour covering the walls and Gordon now wearing Biden’s apron as a cape, the bakers moved on to their final challenge: a cake that represented their leadership.
Biden attempted to make a towering “Unity Cake,” but it kept leaning to the left and then the right before eventually collapsing completely. “Come on, man!” he groaned.
Trump, still high on his Chimp Handshake, made a “Victory Cake,” which was essentially a wall of cake with no actual way to cut into it.
Michelle Obama went for a nutrient-packed, sugar-free carrot cake, which—while beautiful—immediately got her disqualified for “crimes against desserts.”
Musk, ever the visionary, sent his cake into orbit before it could even be judged.
The Winner
As the final cakes were presented, Gordon paced back and forth dramatically, occasionally stopping to eat random frosting off the counter. Finally, he grabbed Trump’s massive gold-plated croissant, hoisted it over his head like an Olympic trophy, and let out a triumphant chimpanzee screech.
Trump won.
Musk demanded a recount. Biden had fallen asleep. Michelle Obama left in disgust.
As Gordon celebrated by hurling leftover éclairs at the Lincoln Portrait, it was clear that this was a Bake Off no one would ever forget.
Absolutely fabulous! What a unique and original story. I love the idea of Gordon the chimpanzee being the judge for the great British bake off White House edition. Great work! Keep it up!