Trump Plans His Great White House Escape — By Becoming Donald Harp

Entire Trump Empire Reportedly to Become “Harp” So Former President Can Keep a Low Profile

By Quentin Thrustbucket, Chief Disappearance Correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Donald Trump has reportedly begun planning the most ambitious disappearing act in American political history.

When the time eventually comes to leave the White House, he intends to vanish completely from public attention.

His solution?

Change his surname to Harp.

The inspiration apparently comes from his close aide Natalie Harp, currently officially listed as Special Assistant and Executive Assistant to the President and widely reported as one of Trump’s most constantly present aides.

According to The Daily Scrotum’s satirical sources, Trump suddenly realised the possibilities during a late-night conversation.

“Nobody will ever find me if I’m called Harp.”

An adviser cautiously replied:

“Sir, you’ll still look exactly like Donald Trump.”

Trump nodded.

“That’s why it’s such a brilliant disguise.”

DONALD J. HARP

Under the plan, Trump would quietly leave Washington and immediately become:

DONALD JOHN HARP

Unfortunately, changing his own name isn’t enough.

Trump has reportedly decided that everything carrying the Trump name must change as well.

Trump Tower?

HARP TOWER

Trump International Golf Club?

HARP INTERNATIONAL GOLF CLUB

Trump Hotels?

HARP HOTELS

Trump Organization?

THE HARP ORGANIZATION

Trump-branded merchandise?

HARP MERCHANDISE

Even his famous red caps would apparently be replaced with:

MAKE HARP GREAT AGAIN

One adviser pointed out a potential problem.

“Mr President, if we change Trump Tower to Harp Tower, people may realise it’s still yours.”

Trump reportedly shook his head.

“Impossible.”

“Why, sir?”

“Different sign.”

THE LOW-PROFILE PLAN

Trump apparently wants to live an extremely discreet life after leaving office.

His proposed definition of “low profile” reportedly includes:

A 30-storey gold hotel bearing his new surname.

A fleet of Harp-branded aircraft.

A Harp presidential library.

Three Harp golf resorts.

A television network called HARP TV.

And a 60-foot illuminated letter H visible from approximately nine miles away.

Secret Service officials allegedly explained that this wasn’t traditionally considered hiding.

Trump disagreed.

“Nobody will know it’s me.”

“Sir, you’ll be underneath a giant illuminated sign saying DONALD HARP.”

“Exactly.”

“They’ll be looking for Trump.”

THE FAMILY MUST CHANGE TOO

The plan quickly expanded.

Donald Trump Jr would become:

Donald Harp Jr.

Eric Trump:

Eric Harp.

Ivanka Trump:

Ivanka Harp.

And the family business would begin answering its telephones:

“Good morning, Harp Organization. Absolutely no Trumps here. How may we help?”

Melania was reportedly presented with the necessary paperwork.

She looked at it.

Then looked at Donald.

Then asked:

“Do I have to?”

Legal advisers are still examining that question.

NATALIE HARP SPOTS A SLIGHT PROBLEM

There is, however, one person who may find the entire scheme inconvenient.

Natalie Harp.

Reports describe her as unusually close to Trump professionally, accompanying him frequently and handling substantial amounts of material and communications for him.

Under Trump’s proposed system, Washington could therefore contain:

Donald Harp.

Natalie Harp.

Donald Harp Jr.

Eric Harp.

And possibly several hundred employees of the Harp Organization.

Natalie reportedly asked the obvious question:

“Won’t everybody think we’re related?”

Trump paused.

Then smiled.

“Even better. Nobody will suspect anything.”

THE WORLD’S LEAST SECRET IDENTITY

Preparations for Trump’s disappearance are reportedly extensive.

His new passport would read:

NAME: Donald J. Harp
OCCUPATION: Definitely Not Donald Trump
ADDRESS: Harp Tower
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: None whatsoever
HAIR: Completely inconspicuous

He would also travel under the secret codename:

MR H

Unfortunately, the presidential limousine would still have HARP ONE written across both doors in enormous gold letters.

The private aircraft would become:

HARP FORCE ONE

And every time Donald entered a restaurant, somebody would apparently be required to announce:

“PLEASE IGNORE THE COMPLETELY UNKNOWN GENTLEMAN ARRIVING WITH 25 SECRET SERVICE AGENTS.”

Trump believes the transformation will be flawless.

“People will walk straight past me.”

An aide asked:

“What if somebody recognises you?”

Trump reportedly produced the final element of his disguise.

A pair of sunglasses.

He put them on.

The room fell silent.

“Well?”

The aide stared at him.

“Donald who, sir?”

Trump smiled.

Mission accomplished.

At the time of publication, workers were reportedly preparing Trump’s first completely anonymous retirement property.

It features a gold entrance.

A giant American flag.

Two championship golf courses.

A 40-foot portrait of Donald Trump.

And a newly installed sign above the gates:

HARP-A-LAGO

Underneath, in slightly smaller letters:

FORMERLY SOMETHING ELSE

Nobody will ever find him.