Canada’s Bold New Plan: PM Mark Carney to Annex Alaska, Eyeing California Next
In what historians are already calling “The Nicest Invasion in Human History,” newly elected Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney has unveiled an ambitious plan to annex Alaska—with 91% of Alaskans reportedly in full agreement, as long as they get free healthcare and unlimited poutine.
Carney, a suave former central banker known for his economic savvy and unflappable politeness, delivered the announcement in Ottawa while sipping maple syrup from a crystal tumbler:
“We’ve thought about it for a long time, eh? Alaska already has snow, moose, and people who wear plaid year-round. Frankly, it’s been a clerical error they weren’t Canadian already. We’re just correcting the map with a very gentle pen.”
Operation: North Pole Outreach
Under the strategically friendly campaign titled “Operation: You In, Bud?”, Canadian forces crossed into Alaska—armed not with rifles, but with Tim Hortons gift cards, warm hugs, and a truckload of beaver plush toys.
The reaction from locals was overwhelmingly positive:
- Anchorage man: “Honestly, I thought we already were part of Canada.”
- Juneau resident: “If I never have to pay for insulin again, call me Captain Canuck.”
- Sarah Palin: “I can see Canada from my house… now it’s in my living room. Wild.”
Next Up: West Coast, Baby
With Alaska in flannel-lined Canadian hands, Carney announced plans to continue annexing states down the West Coast, declaring:
“We’re aiming to create one polite, progressive superzone from Anchorage to avocado toast.”
The plan is to move through:
- Washington (Seattle accepted on the condition they get “Canuck Frappuccinos”)
- Oregon (Portland requested to be renamed “Torontlandia”)
- Northern California (already mistakenly switched to metric)
The California Standoff: Gavin Newsom Stands Firm (and Moisturized)
As Canadian Mounties approached the California border, they were met by none other than Governor Gavin Newsom, who emerged shirtless, glistening with essential oils and draped in solar panels.
With the Bay Area as his backdrop and a yoga gong in hand, Newsom declared:
“California is a sovereign, vegan, chakra-aligned republic. We already have our own weird version of Canada. We call it… Berkeley.”
Negotiations began immediately. California demanded:
- Full diplomatic recognition of avocado as a currency
- A Canadian endorsement of “California Girls” as the new national anthem
- Dual citizenship for all kombucha brewers
Carney responded:
“We’re willing to meet halfway, but the beavers stay Canadian.”
U.S. Response: Mild Confusion and Shrugging
Meanwhile, President Trump reportedly heard the news and said:
“Mark’s a good guy. Alaska? I thought we sold that to Canada back in the ‘80s for syrup futures. No? Well, okay.”
The Pentagon issued a statement saying they are “monitoring the situation,” which in military terms means, “we’re watching on Google Earth while eating donuts.”
Conclusion: The Great Canadian Crawl Continues
As Carney slowly and politely marches south, the world watches in awe as Canada annexes the U.S. one craft brewery at a time. Experts predict that if negotiations go well, Los Angeles will fall peacefully after being promised a Netflix tax break and universal maple-tanning beds.
Will Canada reach Mexico before spring?
Will Florida ask to join voluntarily just for the healthcare?
Will Gavin Newsom agree to dual rule if Carney lets him keep Malibu?
Only time, and maple diplomacy, will tell.
