It was a crisp Wednesday morning when Elon Musk, tech billionaire, space cowboy, and part-time meme warlord, did something that shook the internet: he refused to go on The Jon Stewart Show.
“I’m not scared,” he tweeted at 3:14 AM while sitting in a cryogenic salt pod, “I just don’t want to be owned by a guy who wears sneakers with suits. That’s chaos.”
Rumors swirled. Was Elon afraid of Stewart’s sharp wit? Or was it the segment Jon had teased titled “Tesla: Autopilot or Autoprank?”
Enter: Quentin Thrustbucket, the gravel-voiced anchor of The Daily Scrotum News Channel, America’s most questionable 24/7 broadcast outlet featuring segments like “Weather or Government Laser Attack?” and “Conspiracy Cooking with Carl.”
Desperate for a safe PR space, Elon made a deal.
“I’ll appear on The Daily Scrotum,” he said, “on one condition: you buy every single one of my unsold Teslas. All 14,721 of them. Yes, even the ones with raccoon infestations.”
Quentin Thrustbucket, never one to turn down a bargain—or a federal investigation—said yes.
Unfortunately, there was a small oversight.
Turns out, all the unsold Teslas had been sitting in a desert warehouse next to Area 51 for so long that each one had a Best Before date stamped on the dashboard. The date had passed. In 2022.
The cars began exhibiting odd behaviors:
- One Model S only played Limp Bizkit through the speakers… in Morse code.
- A Cybertruck refused to reverse unless you whispered sweet nothings to it.
- A Model 3 only drove in circles shouting “I miss 2020!”
Thrustbucket’s viewers loved it.
The Daily Scrotum aired a live test drive called “Can You Outrun a Possessed Tesla?” featuring interns and several raccoons in GoPros.
Meanwhile, Elon appeared on the show—wearing a suit made entirely of expired Tesla seatbelts—sitting across from Thrustbucket on a set made of stacked filing cabinets and tactical flashlights.
“Mr. Musk,” Thrustbucket growled, “your cars are haunted, possibly cursed, and smell faintly of pickles. What do you have to say to America?”
Elon blinked twice, calmly sipped a protein smoothie made of AI-generated almonds, and said:
“They’re not broken. They’re… nostalgic. I’ve innovated a new feature: emotional mileage. Every Tesla now remembers how it felt during lockdown. That’s premium tech.”
The show’s ratings hit an all-time high.
Jon Stewart responded the next night with a new segment: “Tesla: Now with Extra Delusion.”
And the Teslas? Thrustbucket rebranded them as Patriot Wagons, sold them on the Daily Scrotum website for $5,000 and a slightly used water filter, and declared:
“Every one comes with a free tin foil hat and a laminated apology from Elon himself.”
It was the greatest car recall-turned-merchandise stunt in U.S. history.
Elon tweeted, “Best. PR. Ever.”
One haunted Tesla was later spotted driving itself into the ocean while softly playing the X-Files theme.
Still better mileage than a Prius.
