Ocracoke Island Enters Talks to Buy Greenland – Citing Trump’s Return and Global Translation Emergency
OCRACOKE ISLAND, NC – In a move equal parts ambitious, salty, and preemptively exasperated, the residents of Ocracoke Island, North Carolina, have officially announced their intention to purchase Greenland—citing geopolitical concerns, climate anxiety, and most urgently: Donald Trump possibly returning to power and no one being able to understand a single word he says.
“Look, we’re island people,” said Mayor Clovis “Tater” Jenkins of Ocracoke. “We know gibberish when we hear it. And that orange fella’s makin’ less sense every time he opens his pie hole. If he starts trying to buy Greenland again, we figured—well hell, we’ll beat him to it and save the planet from strategic confusion.”
Ocracoke’s Plan: Ice, Isolation, and Igloos with Wi-Fi
The plan began after a town hall meeting turned heated when someone played a Trump campaign video during the annual flounder fry. By the time the video ended, the locals had agreed on three things:
- Trump was either trying to buy Greenland, sell it, or rename it “Mar-a-Laska.”
- His speech contained at least four made-up words, including “melty-nomics” and “icecredibility.”
- They could probably get Greenland first if they moved fast and brought pie.
So, the town council sent a formal letter to Denmark:
Dear Denmark,
We are the humble folks of Ocracoke Island, population 948 humans and one particularly mean pelican. We would like to purchase Greenland to protect it from the return of confusing American billionaires with microphone addictions.
We offer:
- $983.42 (in coins found under various docks)
- 43 buckets of fresh clams
- And a gently used kayak named “Freedom Boat 2”
Thank you for considering.
Yours sincerely,
Mayor Tater & The Ocracoke Town Council
Why Greenland?
“It’s got ice. We’re tired of hurricanes. Plus, the seals are polite,” said Etta Mae Blinker, head of Ocracoke’s Strategic Relocation Committee.
“We figure once Trump starts yelling about windmills and whales again, it’s best we be somewhere cold, far away, and with fewer microphones.”
The proposal includes building:
- A clam chowder embassy
- An ice-fishing community center
- And a “No MAGA Past This Point” fjord patrol unit (staffed entirely by confused seagulls and one retired ferry captain named Ned)
Trump Responds
Trump, upon hearing the news, released a Truth Social statement:
“OCRACOKE?? Isn’t that a board game? Sad little island. Can’t even spell! They’ll NEVER get Greenland. I invented it. I branded it. I made it cool again. It’s basically orange now because of me. Ask anybody.”
He then accused Ocracoke of stealing his idea, challenging Mayor Tater to a “winner-gets-Greenland flounder slap fight.”
Mayor Tater accepted, but only if it could be held during happy hour at Howard’s Pub and judged by a retired Coast Guard dog named Skipper.
Denmark’s Official Response?
According to reports, a Danish official simply blinked, said, “Again?” and slowly slid the letter under a stack labeled “Weird American Island Requests.”
Final Thoughts
While the fate of Greenland remains uncertain, one thing is clear:
If Trump makes a comeback, Ocracoke Island is getting the hell out of earshot—preferably somewhere cold, remote, and where “covfefe” isn’t recognized as a word.
Until then, they’re preparing “Greenland Welcome Baskets” with thermals, sass, and sweet tea concentrate. Just in case.
