It started with a tweet.
“I’m going to be even more unrecognizable than Biden reading a teleprompter backwards. Big things coming. Huge makeover. Better than Hollywood. Better than Botox. You’re gonna love it. #GreenIsTheNewGold” —@RealDonaldTrumpJrSr45Probably47
By the time the media caught on, Trump had already been wheeled into a mysterious spa-clinic in New Jersey run by an eccentric rabbi named Rabbi Finkelstein von Bladeberg, who advertised himself as “Surgeon, Soul Healer & Occasional Magician.”
The clinic’s slogan?
“Why just drain the swamp when you can become the swamp?”
Inside, Trump lay on a table that looked suspiciously like a former ping pong table covered in velvet. Rabbi Finkelstein, dressed in a lab coat over his ceremonial robes, stood ready. In one hand: a surgical scalpel. In the other: a green paintbrush from Home Depot. Behind his ear: a razor blade and a Werther’s Original.
“You sure about this, Mr. Trump?” he asked.
Trump nodded. “Do it. I need a new face. A warrior face. Something that says, ‘I’m back, and I might be radioactive.’”
The rabbi muttered a prayer, hummed the Star-Spangled Banner backwards, and got to work.
First came the scalpel, used mostly to trim Trump’s eyebrows into the shape of tiny bald eagles.
Then the green paintbrush—slathered head to toe in a mysterious concoction labeled “Gamma Glow™.” Trump requested two coats. “Make me greener than a kale smoothie on St. Patrick’s Day,” he said.
Finally, the razor blade—used to carve a perfect Mohican strip down the center of his golden mane, leaving only a wild, flaring streak down the middle, dyed neon orange for contrast.
When he stood up and looked in the mirror, even he was stunned.
“I look like the Hulk had a love child with an orange Creamsicle,” he whispered, admiring himself. “Perfect.”
He walked out of the clinic to a mob of reporters. One fainted. Another yelled, “Sir, are you planning a tribal rebranding of the GOP?”
Trump smirked.
“From now on, I am no longer Donald J. Trump. I am Chief MAGA-ganosh, Warrior of the Green Dawn. My campaign will be based on honor, scalp trades, and stylish chaos.”
Fox News called it “visionary.”
CNN called it “possibly toxic.”
MSNBC just stared blankly for 27 minutes.
Within days, MAGA hats were replaced with feathered visors, and Trump launched a skincare line called “Green Supreme: Look Like You Mean It.” Sales exploded, mostly because of a rumor that the paint also repelled liberals and mosquitoes.
And Rabbi Finkelstein? He was last seen boarding a private jet to Vegas holding a suitcase full of cash, a paintbrush dripping green, and a note that read:
“Next appointment: Kanye.”
