Title: “Trump’s Big House Makeover: Alcatraz, but Make It Fabulous”
As reported by The Daily Scrotum
In what some are calling the boldest real estate pivot since the Trump Steaks fiasco, President Donald J. Trump has announced plans to reopen Alcatraz—not as a historical site, but as a luxury correctional facility for “very important, very innocent people like myself.”
Speaking to reporters aboard a rented ferry near San Francisco Bay, Trump declared:
“They call it The Rock—I call it The Opportunity. We’re bringing back Alcatraz, folks, but not for the criminals—just for the misunderstood geniuses like me who might, maybe, possibly, get convicted for something that shouldn’t even be illegal!”
The rebranding of the legendary prison will be known as Trumpcatraz: The Presidential Suite Behind Bars. Early blueprints (leaked by Eric) show the following amenities:
- Gold-plated cell bars and velvet handcuffs
- A 24/7 Fox News spa lounge
- An executive Tweeting Chamber with pre-installed Wi-Fi (limited to Truth Social only)
- Solitary Confinement™ with panoramic ocean views
- An on-site Ivanka-run boutique called “Pardon Me”
When asked if this is preparation for possible criminal charges, Trump winked and replied:
“Look, when I leave office in 2029, or maybe 2033—depending on how sleepy Biden’s memory is—I might need a place to rest. Why not make it the best prison in the world?”
Sources say the MAGA camp is already selling “Make Alcatraz Great Again” hats and Orange Is the New Trump jumpsuits. Mike Lindell has promised to donate 3,000 “MyPillows: Prison Edition” and is lobbying to rename Cell Block D as “Don’s Den.”
Meanwhile, the National Park Service is reportedly furious, especially since Trump suggested installing a Mar-a-Lago-style golf course across Cell Block B and a rotating cell reserved for “Crooked Hillary” just in case.
As Trump left the ferry, he turned to a group of stunned tourists and said:
“It’s not prison if you’re staying there by choice. It’s very exclusive. Obama never did this. Sad!”
Welcome to TRUMPCATRAZ
“Where justice takes a coffee break, and luxury does time.”
Now Booking for 2025 and Beyond!
Tired of the uncertainty of indictments? Need a safe space with velvet walls and limited accountability? Look no further. Nestled on a scenic rock in the middle of San Francisco Bay, Trumpcatraz offers a one-of-a-kind incarceration experience for billionaires, patriots, and people who definitely didn’t do it.
Our All-Inclusive Packages Feature:
The Executive Cell Suite™
- Gold-plated bars with custom MAGA inlays
- Personal surveillance camera with a 5-minute delay (for privacy)
- Private minibar stocked with Diet Coke and Big Macs
- Built-in flamethrower (for classified document disposal)
The Solitary Solarium
- For quiet reflection or tweeting threats
- Faux sunlight powered by Mike Lindell’s regret
- Custom Truth Social echo chamber
The Melania Yoga Courtyard
- She won’t be there, but we legally had to include it
- Filled with statues of Donald in dynamic “stable genius” poses
Dining at The Cellblock Bistro
- Breakfast: Covfefe and cold McMuffins
- Lunch: Cheeseburgers & subpoenas
- Dinner: Justice, slow-roasted and served with a side of ketchup
- Optional: “Plea Deal Palate Cleanser” by Rudy Giuliani (may contain regret)
Specialty Amenities
- “Stormy Showers” Wellness Center
- “Lock Her Up!” Escape Room (you never win)
- Golf simulator: 18 holes, no indictments
- Lifetime supply of Sharpies for executive map-editing and history revisions
Coming Soon
The Ivanka & Jared Visitor Center
– Featuring holographic apologies and a gift shop selling Presidential Pardon™ scratch cards.
Reserve Now
Time is limited. Charges are not.
www.Trumpcatraz.gov.biz (pending)
Use promo code SAD! for early booking.
