Tesla’s Latest Update Requires Female Drivers to “Fully Bond” with Their Vehicles Before Starting

Introduction

In yet another completely unnecessary and baffling software update, Tesla has introduced a new “Orgasmic Experience Mode”, which requires female drivers to demonstrate “total car enthusiasm” before the vehicle will start.

The update, reportedly approved in one of Elon Musk’s sleep-deprived brainstorming sessions, is meant to “enhance the emotional bond between driver and machine”, ensuring that Tesla owners are truly invested in their vehicle on a… deeper level.

Tesla engineers have described the new system as “completely immersive, highly interactive, and probably illegal in several states.”

How the Feature Works

Upon entering the vehicle, female drivers will be prompted by Tesla’s AI assistant, “Elona,” with a new mandatory ritual before ignition:

1. Elona will whisper: “Before we go anywhere, darling, I need to know how much you love this car.”
2. The driver must engage in a moment of “intimate appreciation” with the vehicle—an act described by Tesla as “orgasmic, emotional, and just slightly unnecessary.”
3. The software will then analyze “genuine levels of excitement” using Tesla’s state-of-the-art sensory seat technology (which has raised some ethical questions, but Musk has assured customers it’s “very scientific and totally not weird.”).
4. If the driver fails to reach the “required level of enthusiasm”, the car will respond with:
   • “Not feeling it, huh? Try again.”
   • “This car needs more commitment before it can commit to you.”
   • “Look, if you’re not excited to drive me, maybe take an Uber.”

Only when Tesla’s AI is satisfied will the car unlock and start—ensuring that every drive is a truly “memorable” experience.

Public Reactions

Unsurprisingly, the rollout of this highly interactive feature has sparked strong reactions:

• Tech Enthusiasts: “Finally, a car that understands the importance of passion!”
• Regular Female Drivers: “I just wanted to go to Target, not have a relationship with my vehicle.”
• Elon Musk Fans: “The man is a visionary. Of course Teslas need love, just like humans.”
• Mechanics: “We’re now getting calls about ‘stuck gear sticks’ way more often than we’re comfortable with.”

Meanwhile, reports have emerged of Tesla customer support lines being flooded with confused husbands asking, “Why is my wife suddenly spending so much time in the garage?”

Elon Musk’s Justification

Musk, never one to back down from controversy, defended the feature in a series of Twitter/X posts, saying:

• “Most people don’t truly connect with their cars. Teslas deserve more.”
• “Science shows deeper emotional bonds lead to safer driving. (Probably.)”
• “Anyone uncomfortable with the update is obviously not evolved enough to understand it.”

He later added:
“To those asking if this update applies to male drivers—relax, guys. You already do weird things in your Teslas when no one’s watching.”

What’s Next for Tesla?

Industry insiders predict this is just the beginning of Tesla’s “Car-Lover” initiative, with upcoming updates rumoured to include:

• “Cuddle Mode” – The car won’t unlock unless you hug the steering wheel for at least 30 seconds.
• “Date Night Feature” – Before allowing long road trips, Tesla will ask deeply personal questions to ensure the driver and vehicle have “compatible energy levels.”
• “Commitment Mode” – If the driver is spotted test-driving a non-Tesla vehicle, the car will refuse to start for a week out of jealousy.

Conclusion

While Tesla’s “Orgasmic Experience Mode” has certainly raised eyebrows, it has also reinforced Tesla’s reputation for pushing boundaries—whether necessary or not.

One thing is for sure: Tesla drivers will never look at their gear stick the same way again.