BREAKING: GOP Senators Unable to Spell “Arsehole” — Alphabet Confirms
Washington, D.C. — In a stunning revelation that has rocked the upper chamber of Congress, an independent panel of Scrabble experts confirmed Thursday that not a single Republican senator can form the word “arsehole” using only the letters from their names.
“We weren’t expecting brilliance,” said Dr. Lexi Consonant, lead investigator of the Congressional Letter Audit Committee (CLAC). “But we were at least hoping for basic profanity compatibility.”
The Great Letter Shortage
Analysts reviewing the names of all 49 Republican senators found a widespread shortage of key letters — particularly E’s, O’s, and basic shame.
- Josh Hawley nearly completed the word, but lost the S during a fist-pump and sprint combo.
- Ted Cruz offered up a Z instead, which wasn’t needed, but insisted on using it loudly.
- Rand Paul had the A and R, but when asked about the missing “E,” replied,
“I don’t believe in vowels mandated by the government.” - Tom Cotton, attempting to participate, accidentally spelled “HOTEL RAS” — a failed Freedom Caucus timeshare.
GOP Response: “We Reject British Spellings”
In a hasty press conference, Senator John Kennedy (R-LA) denounced the findings.
“This is woke vowel manipulation. In America, we spell it A-S-S-H-O-L-E, and we wear it like a badge, not a puzzle.”
Fox News immediately launched a special report titled:
“Are Democrats Hoarding the Vowels?”
Alphabet Soup Ahead
Senate Democrats, meanwhile, issued a statement saying they could easily form “arsehole” and at least five other regrettable nouns using only the letters in Joe Manchin’s middle name.
House Republicans have begun investigating “vowel fraud”, and Speaker Mike Johnson is reportedly drafting legislation to declare the letter “E” an illegal immigrant.
More at 11:
“BREAKING: Mitt Romney’s Full Name Spells ‘EMPATHY’ — GOP Calls for Expulsion.”
