BREAKING: Bank of America Changes Name to Bank of Mexico in Bold Move Against Trump Directive
In a shocking act of boardroom rebellion, Bank of America announced it is officially rebranding itself as the Bank of Mexico (USA Division) in a spicy protest against a new executive order signed by President Doglow — who had recently declared, and we quote, “Banks should be more American. Like cowboys. Or mustard.”
In a press conference held inside a mariachi-filled branch in Texas, the bank’s new CEO, José Q. Casho, wore a cactus-patterned tie and sipped horchata from a commemorative margarita tumbler as he made the announcement:
“If we’re gonna get blamed for everything from border policy to rising guacamole prices, we might as well lean in, no?”
The Doglow Executive Order
President Doglow’s order, titled “Operation Patriot Purse,” demanded that all U.S. banks reissue debit cards with American flags, add bald eagles to their logos, and rename all savings accounts to “Freedom Pouches.”
He later clarified, “I just want banks to love America as much as I love banks that love me.”
The Bank’s Response
The newly branded Bank of Mexico (USA Division) not only changed its signage, but also updated all ATM audio to play traditional mariachi music at full volume. Customers reported hearing cheerful trumpets during withdrawals and being offered quesadillas in the drive-thru lane.
Other changes include:
- All checking accounts now come with complimentary cactus insurance.
- Every dollar bill dispensed from their ATMs is briefly shown a tortilla for warmth.
- Their new slogan: “¡Sí, we can finance!”
The White House Reaction
Doglow responded by tweeting:
“Terrible bank. Very unpatriotic. I preferred them when they pretended to like me. Sad!”
Then he tried to apply for a business loan under the name “Donaldo de Mango” and was immediately flagged by the system as “too dramatic to process.”
Public Response
- Millennials flooded the bank’s app to see if it offered free tacos with overdraft protection.
- Fox News accused the bank of “financial treason with extra lime.”
- Florida Man tried to open an account using pesos and a lizard as ID.
Despite the controversy, Bank of Mexico (USA Division) saw a 600% rise in new account openings, mostly from people who just liked the music.
When asked what was next, CEO José Q. Casho said, “We might buy Wells Fargo and rename it Wells Jalapeño — depends on the salsa market.”
Meanwhile, Chase Bank was last seen nervously Googling ‘Chase… but French?’
End of transmission from The Daily Scrotum’s financial desk. Stay rich. Or spicy.
