The Daily Scrotum’s Global Initiative to Buy the United States

A Revolutionary Approach to Restoring Global Order

Executive Summary

The Daily Scrotum, the world’s most fearlessly honest news outlet, is launching an ambitious plan inspired by Denmark’s historic attempt to buy California. Recognizing that Donald Trump and his boss, Elon Musk, have lost control of America, we propose a GoFundMe campaign to purchase California outright, followed by a global auction for the remaining 49 states.

By allowing individual countries to bid on U.S. states, we can establish a new world order where nations can govern their own territories within the former United States. This initiative ensures that each region can be managed more effectively than under current leadership, creating a decentralised, internationally controlled America.

Phase 1: The California Purchase

Why California?

California is the economic powerhouse of the U.S., boasting the world’s 5th largest economy, cutting-edge technology, and somewhat tolerable weather. By securing California first, we will have leverage to influence the remaining 49 states.

Fundraising Strategy

Global Crowdfunding Campaign:
- GoFundMe Target: $4 Trillion (estimated value of California).
- Individual Contribution Levels:
  - 🌎 World Leader Tier ($100M+) – Official stake in policy decisions.
  - 💰 Billionaire Tier ($1M – $99M) – Free vineyard in Napa Valley.
  - 🎟️ Citizen Tier ($100 – $999,999) – A free parking spot in Los Angeles.
  - 🍔 Broke American Tier ($10) – One free In-N-Out burger.
Corporate Sponsorships:
- Tesla will be forced to pay for part of it after Musk ruined the resale value of his own cars.
- Google and Apple will contribute to prevent Florida from buying California and turning it into a theme park.
European Backing:
- Denmark, Germany, and France have expressed interest in revitalising America with basic infrastructure, free healthcare, and cheese that isn’t orange.

Phase 2: The Great American State Auction

Once California is secured, the remaining 49 states will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.

Auction Rules

No Country Can Buy More Than 3 States – This ensures diversity and prevents Canada from getting too cozy with Vermont.
All Sales Are Final – No returns, even if Texas starts acting up.
No AI Bidders – To prevent Musk from trying to outbid everyone with a Dodgycoin-based offer.

Predicted Sales and Buyers

Texas → Saudi Arabia ($3T) – Will be rebranded as “Texarabia”, complete with oil-funded air-conditioned deserts.
New York → The United Kingdom ($2T) – To finally regain control of America’s financial capital after losing the first time.
Florida → Russia ($500B) – Putin is expected to turn Miami into a winter training ground for Russian oligarchs.
Alaska → Canada ($750B) – Canada already thinks Alaska is theirs anyway.
Hawaii → Japan ($1.5T) – Japan sees this as a natural investment in superior beaches and sushi quality.
The Dakotas → Nobody – No bids expected.

Phase 3: New Global Governance of the Former U.S.

Once all 50 states are under international ownership, a new Governing Council will be formed, consisting of:

France (Education & Cheese Distribution)
Japan (Technology & Sushi Oversight)
Sweden (Universal Healthcare Implementation)
Mexico (Taco Regulations & Border Reversal Policy)
Germany (Efficiency & Engineering Supervision)
The UK (Tea Time & Sarcasm Management)

The new system will abolish the electoral college, introduce mandatory logic tests for voters, and replace the U.S. Congress with a panel of kindergarten teachers (who are better at conflict resolution).

Projected Outcomes & Benefits

✅ Americans Get a Government That Works – No more shutdowns over whether the government should exist.
✅ Every State Has an Owner Who Cares – Instead of billionaires controlling politics, now entire countries will mismanage them instead!
✅ No More Trump or Musk Interference – If Trump wants a state, he can buy one—but only if he pays his debts first.

Final Thoughts

The Daily Scrotum’s initiative to crowdfund California and auction off the rest of the U.S. is the most innovative, fair, and internationally beneficial plan to fix a broken America.

With support from global leaders, billionaires, and even confused Floridians, this plan will reshape history and finally make America functional again.

Join the Movement Today!

💰 Donate Now at GoFundMe.com/BuyAmerica
🌎 Countries Interested in Bidding? Contact Us at BidYourState@DailyScrotum.com
🏛️ Apply for a Governing Position at FutureAmerica.gov

Because if Trump and Musk won’t fix America—we will.