Jodrell Bank Observatory to Relocate to Mr & Mrs Lewis’s Back Garden in Newport
Government Says Couple’s Laptop “More Than Capable” of Monitoring the Entire Universe
By Quentin Thrustbucket, Senior Space Correspondent
NEWPORT, WALES — Britain was left completely star-struck yesterday after the Government announced that the world-famous Jodrell Bank Observatory is to be relocated from Cheshire to the back garden of a modest terraced house in Magor Street, Newport.
The lucky new custodians are retired couple Mr and Mrs Lewis, who have agreed to operate Britain’s entire space observation programme between making cups of tea and feeding the birds.
Officials insist the move will save millions of pounds.
A Government spokesperson explained:
“We’ve looked at the figures and realised Mr Lewis already owns a perfectly good laptop and a comfortable garden chair.”
“It simply makes financial sense.”
The enormous radio telescope will reportedly be dismantled over the next six months before being carefully reconstructed between the Lewis family’s washing line and greenhouse.
Mrs Lewis admitted she was slightly surprised.
“I only rang the council to ask if we could have a bigger compost bin,” she said.
“The next thing I knew someone asked where we’d like Saturn parked.”
Under the new operating system, the couple will work in shifts.
Mr Lewis has volunteered for evening observations.
Mrs Lewis will cover early mornings.
If either spots anything unusual in deep space, they have been instructed to write it down in a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet entitled:
‘Space Stuff 2026 (Final Version) (Final Final).xlsx’
Quentin Thrustbucket visited the property as preparations got underway.
Builders were already removing next door’s garden fence after discovering Neptune was slightly obscured by Mrs Jenkins’ hanging baskets.
Mr Lewis proudly demonstrated the observatory’s future command centre.
A small folding table.
One laptop.
A flask of tea.
A packet of chocolate Hobnobs.
“It’s everything NASA wishes it had,” he declared.
The first night of testing reportedly produced several important discoveries.
At 9:17 pm Mr Lewis announced he’d identified an unknown bright object.
After twenty minutes of careful observation, Mrs Lewis quietly informed him:
“That’s Venus.”
At 9:42 pm he excitedly reported another mysterious object travelling rapidly across the sky.
It later turned out to be a Ryanair flight heading for Bristol.
Scientists have welcomed the relocation.
Professor Barry Nebula said:
“Some of mankind’s greatest discoveries have been made by ordinary people.”
“Although admittedly very few were made while sitting beside a barbecue.”
Neighbours have expressed mixed feelings.
One resident complained:
“Every time they rotate the telescope it blocks my satellite dish.”
Another admitted:
“On the bright side, we’ve never had such good views of Jupiter.”
Meanwhile, the council has issued one important request.
Should Mr Lewis accidentally discover intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, they ask that he reports it immediately…
…as they’re still trying to find some in the local planning department.
At the time of publication, Mr Lewis had just emailed NASA with his first official observation.
The message simply read:
“Clear skies tonight. Kettle’s on if any aliens fancy popping round.”
What did you think of this story?
The Scrotumometer starts each story with lively starter scores. Your real vote is added on top.
Top reaction: 🥜 Lost Their Marbles
