Trump Imposes 100% Tariff on Toilet Paper Imports, Declares America Has “Enough Crap of Its Own”

Washington, D.C. – In a move that has left economists, hygiene experts, and the general public utterly bewildered, President Donald J. Trump has announced a 100% tariff on all imported toilet paper, claiming that the U.S. does not need “outsiders wiping their bottoms” when he himself “creates enough crap for everyone.”

Speaking from Mar-a-Lago’s golden bathroom, Trump declared that foreign toilet paper manufacturers have been “taking advantage” of the U.S. for far too long.

“We have the best crap. The biggest, most tremendous crap. Nobody makes more crap than I do, believe me,” Trump boasted. “And yet, we’re out here importing toilet paper from Canada, Mexico, even China? Ridiculous. Disgraceful! We don’t need their weak, inferior wiping materials. We have strong, beautiful American hands—we’ll figure it out!”

The Great American Toilet Paper Crisis

Within hours of the announcement, panic-buying erupted across the nation. Costco, Walmart, and CVS shelves were stripped bare as Americans scrambled to secure what little toilet paper remained.

By noon, toilet paper rolls were being resold on eBay for $50 a roll, and in major cities, TP scalping rings began emerging, with desperate buyers trading gasoline, baby formula, and Taylor Swift tickets in exchange for a few sacred sheets of Charmin.

One angry shopper in Texas, interviewed while hoarding a cart full of tissues and napkins, summed up the nation’s frustration:
“First it was eggs, then gas, now toilet paper?! How much more of his crap do we have to take?!”

Trump’s Personal Solution: The Maga Wipe™

To address the crisis, Trump has announced a new, government-approved alternative:

“The MAGA Wipe™” – an American-made, reusable wiping cloth featuring Trump’s face on every sheet.

“It’s patriotic, folks. Every time you use it, you’ll be wiping with a piece of history. Very strong, very absorbent. Some say even softer than the Constitution, which, frankly, people wipe their feet on all the time these days!” Trump claimed.

The MAGA Wipe™ will be sold exclusively on Truth Social for $99.99 per pack, with Trump promising that every purchase includes a free NFT of him sitting on a golden toilet.

Biden, Trudeau, and Mexico React

President Joe Biden, when asked about the tariff, sighed heavily and responded:
“Look, man… You just gotta use common sense. You can’t be doin’ this, Jack. People need to—uh, well, ya know… do their thing, and then clean up. It’s basic.”

Meanwhile, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau called the move “an act of war”, as Canada has long been one of the largest toilet paper exporters to the U.S.. Mexico, also affected, has reportedly begun smuggling illegal TP rolls across the border, now considered more valuable than drugs.

Will America Survive Without Foreign TP?

With prices skyrocketing and supplies dwindling, some Americans have turned to “alternative wiping methods”, including:

• Old newspapers (though many refuse to use the New York Times on principle).
• Fast food napkins (McDonald’s has been forced to impose a “one-napkin-per-customer” rule).
• Leaves (outdoor survival guides have gone viral overnight).
• Socks (sales of cheap bulk socks have increased 700%).

As Americans brace for a world without foreign toilet paper, Trump remains unapologetic, assuring supporters that this is all “part of the plan” and that he, personally, has never needed to wipe.

“When you’re as powerful as me, you don’t need toilet paper. The mess just… disappears,” Trump insisted.

Conclusion: The Future of America’s Hygiene

With The Great Toilet Paper Tariff now in effect, experts warn that the nation is at risk of an even bigger disaster than the COVID toilet paper shortage of 2020.

As Americans struggle to clean up Trump’s mess—both figuratively and literally—the world watches in amusement and horror.

Meanwhile, Elon Musk has tweeted that he is developing a “Tesla Smart Bidet”, set to launch next year.

Only time will tell if America will wipe away this crisis—or if it will leave an irreversible stain on history.