The stage was set. The crowd, a sea of tech enthusiasts and billionaire fanboys, roared in anticipation as Elon Musk took to the podium at the annual FutureTech Summit in Texas. It was an event meant to showcase the latest advancements in AI, space travel, and—apparently—power tools.

Musk, ever the showman, had been handed a limited-edition Tesla Chainsaw™, a futuristic piece of engineering designed for “eco-friendly deforestation and zombie defense.” The gleaming blade hummed as he revved it up, flashing his trademark smirk.

“Yeah, this is gonna be awesome,” he said. “We’re talking fully electric, AI-powered, and 30% more efficient than a gas chainsaw. No emissions, only solutions.”

The audience clapped, half in admiration, half in confusion about why a billionaire was playing with a chainsaw on stage. But Musk, unfazed, continued.

“This bad boy can cut through steel, trees, and—”

Then it happened.

Perhaps it was the weight of the chainsaw. Perhaps it was a glitch in its AI-assisted grip function. Or maybe—just maybe—it was the universe itself deciding that Musk had flown too close to the sun.

Mid-sentence, the chainsaw slipped from his grasp.

It tumbled, twirling through the air in slow-motion like a scene from a particularly grotesque Christopher Nolan movie. Musk, in a split-second decision fueled by instincts sharpened through years of launching cars into space, attempted to catch it.

Bad move.

The blade found its mark.

Right in the most delicate part of the billionaire’s anatomy.

A sound rang out—part metallic whirr, part ungodly scream—as the chainsaw did what chainsaws do best. The room went silent. A single Tesla intern fainted. Somewhere, in a darkened control room, a SpaceX engineer whispered, “Oh no…”

Musk collapsed to the floor, clutching his now very different net worth. Paramedics rushed in as the audience sat frozen in horrified fascination. His once-cavalier confidence had been forcibly revised.

The world would later come to describe the incident as “The Great Tesla Circumcision.” Memes flooded the internet. Stock prices wobbled. Even Jeff Bezos was caught chuckling in a leaked video.

As Musk recovered in the hospital, he took to Twitter—er, X—to address the situation:

@elonmusk: “Well… I was a Cavalier, but now I guess I’m a Roundhead. #SpaceXploration”

History would remember him not just as the man who revolutionized electric cars and space travel, but as the billionaire who lost more than just market shares that day.