BREAKING: Entire Trump Administration Resigns on Signal Call in Glorious Technological Pile-Up
Each Resignation Funnier Than the Last
In what political historians are already calling “The Great Ghosting of Government,” every remaining member of the Trump administration simultaneously resigned during a wildly chaotic and accidentally public Signal group call labeled “Cabinet But Still Kinda Loyal (ish).”
Sources confirm the meeting began with a video screen full of awkward lighting, wrong camera angles, and the distinct sound of someone buttering toast too close to their mic.
Then—the resignations began.
One by one, jungle-style, with enough drama to make a soap opera about orangutans look tame.
Vice President JD Vance (a.k.a. Captain Grumble)
Reason for Resignation:
“I was promised culture wars, not actual wars. Also, I’m tired of explaining memes to real people.”
Final message:
“I’m moving to a cabin in Ohio with a copy of the Constitution and a pan flute. Don’t call me unless it’s about barbecue.”
Defense Secretary Pete “Power Shriek” Hegseth
Reason:
“Lost a swordfight to a bald eagle in a dream. Saw it as a sign.”
Final words:
“I love America but I’m ready to defend my backyard from raccoons instead. They’re more strategic.”
Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt-Squawk (returning in full bird form)
Reason:
“Out of ways to explain the unexplainable. Also, out of feathers.”
Final statement (read aloud while flapping):
“No more translating tweets that include six typos and a drawing of a walrus.”
dent Trump (via voicemail)
Reason:
Accidentally tried to resign from “America” thinking it was a golf club. Still unclear whether it was symbolic or just bad auto-correct.
Message transcription:
“I hereby quit. Or rehire. Or buy. Whatever it is, I’m the best at it. Good luck to the rest of you—sad!”
Signal Call Ends Abruptly
The mass exodus concluded when someone (likely Jared’s ghost avatar) accidentally hit “Leave Call for Everyone.”
The screen went black.
Aftermath:
- White House now managed by a confused squirrel and the coffee machine.
- All nuclear codes safely handed to a retired lunch lady named Doris.
- Mar-a-Lago hosting auditions for a new “Shadow Cabinet” starring Guy Fieri and two raccoons.
America, for now, is being led by a group chat named “Maybe Democracy??”
More updates as they happen—or don’t.
BREAKING: Trump Administration Resigns En Masse During Chaotic Signal Call
One group chat, countless emojis, and a total political faceplant
Washington was thrown into disarray today after the entire current Trump administration shock-resigned in a Signal call that was originally meant to be a brainstorming session titled:
“How to Spin the Latest Thing (Whatever It Is)”
Instead, it turned into a full-blown Resignationpalooza that ended with muted mics, dramatic exits, and someone accidentally turning on a cat face filter.
Here’s a breakdown of who quit—and why:
Vice President JD Vance – “The Philosopher Who Stopped Phoning It In”
Reason for Resignation:
“I didn’t sign up to be a life coach for a man who thinks Diet Coke counts as hydration policy.”
Final message in the chat:
“I have read Plato. I have ignored Trump tweets. I can no longer do both.”
Defense Secretary Pete “Guts & Glory” Hegseth
Reason:
“He wanted me to repaint the Pentagon in gold and rename it The Freedom Dome.”
Exit quote:
“Real patriots don’t host war briefings on the back nine at Mar-a-Lago.”
Press Secretary Meg “SpinZone” McButterworth
Reason:
“I can’t keep rephrasing ‘It’s not illegal if it’s fun’ for the press corps.”
Final slide shared in the Signal chat:
A pie chart titled “% of Job That’s Just Explaining Tweets (98%)”
Chief of Staff Ricky “Nope Button” Delgado
Reason:
“After the President tried to make Eric Secretary of Time, I realized I was fighting a lava flow with a salad fork.”
Last words:
“I have disabled my calendar, my badge, and my will to clarify.”
Acting Secretary of Education Trixie Mapleblossom
Reason:
“He demanded we remove all vowels from schoolbooks to promote American efficiency.”
Exit reaction:
Typed only:
“I cn’t.”
Senior Advisor Jared “Still Here?” Kushclone
Reason:
None provided. Just disappeared from the chat mid-sentence. Rumor has it he ascended into the Wi-Fi cloud.
President Trump
Still technically in the group chat, repeatedly sending voice messages that sounded like:
“I didn’t resign — I elevated. Best elevation. No one’s ever elevated harder.”
Closing Moments:
The group chat finally imploded when someone tried to share a resignation meme and accidentally sent a live video of Trump attempting to sign an executive order with a mozzarella stick.
Signal crashed.
History was made.
America is now reportedly being run by an AI chatbot nicknamed “Promptus Maximus.” Approval rating: 42% and rising.
Stay tuned for the new spin-off chat: “The Ex-Administration: Unmuted.”
