Unless You Pretend It’s a Proton or a Lada
In an unexpected turn of diplomatic and automotive chaos, Canada has officially banned all Tesla vehicles from operating within its borders—unless owners agree to one simple condition:
Replace the Tesla badge with either a “Proton” or “Lada” logo.
Yes, you heard it right. If your car says Tesla—you’re toast. But if it says Proton Saga or Lada Samara? Bienvenue, mon ami.
The Reason? Officially: “Too Smug.”
Canadian authorities claim the decision was made because Tesla owners are “smug beyond reasonable levels” and have developed an “unhealthy obsession with acceleration, touchscreen climate control, and tweeting while driving.”
Minister of Transportation, Doug McFriendly, explained in a press conference outside a Tim Hortons:
“We just want to cool things down, you know? These Teslas… they’re always silently whooshing past us, looking like they’re about to take off to the Moon. If you want to drive in Canada, slap on a Lada badge. That way people think you’re humble… and cold.”
Elon Musk: Furious and Mildly Hypocritical
Naturally, Elon Musk lost his mind on X (formerly Twitter, formerly a decent app):
“Canada is a fake country. It’s just snow and politeness. You can’t ban Tesla and demand people pretend it’s a Lada. That’s like banning steak unless you label it ‘Tofu.’ Total maple-flavored madness.”
But internet sleuths were **quick to dig up photos of Musk himself driving around California in a 20-year-old Proton Wira, complete with a dangling fuzzy dice and a CD stuck in the stereo labeled “Now That’s What I Call Elon Vol. 3.”
When asked about this, Musk replied:
“That Proton is just… nostalgic. It’s ironic. I only use it when I’m mood-driving. You wouldn’t understand.”
Tesla Owners React: Mild Panic & DIY Badge Swapping
In Vancouver, a group of Model 3 owners were spotted lining up outside Canadian Tire with glue guns, screwdrivers, and Proton emblems ordered from eBay.
One man had proudly rebadged his Model S as a “Lada Electro-Boom Boom 5000.”
Another woman shared:
“Honestly, it kinda feels more badass. Like I’m in some Eastern European spy movie. My Tesla now squeaks ironically. I love it.”
New Canadian Rules for Tesla Compliance
To legally operate a Tesla in Canada, you must now:
- Replace all Tesla branding with Lada or Proton logos
- Replace the “Autopilot” voice with someone yelling instructions in Russian or Malay
- Replace the horn with either a bicycle bell or the sound of a disappointed Canadian dad sighing
- Install a manual window crank, even if it doesn’t work
Coming Soon: Tesla’s Canadian Rebrand
Under pressure, Elon Musk is rumored to be working on a Canadian-specific Tesla that comes pre-badged as the “Proton MooseForce X”, complete with heated everything, cup holders for Timbits, and snow tire autopilot mode.
It also only charges when plugged into a hockey rink Zamboni outlet.
Final Thoughts
So if you’re a Tesla driver in Canada, you’ve got two options:
- Rebadge it and pretend you’re from 1980s Romania
- Move to the U.S., where Teslas are still legal but traffic laws are optional
Either way, just remember: it’s not about what’s under the hood—it’s about what’s on the badge. And in Canada, if it says Lada, you’re golden. If it says Tesla, you’re toast. Warmed via battery-powered seat heater, of course.
