It was a quiet Tuesday morning in Westminster when Lisa Nandy, the UK’s Culture Secretary, made an announcement so shocking that even the BBC’s news anchors had to pause for breath—for the first time in recorded history.

Standing in front of a wall-sized portrait of the Queen, Lisa adjusted her papers, cleared her throat, and declared:

“After careful consideration, I have decided that all residents of Wales shall no longer be required to pay for their TV license fee.“

The press room gasped.

A confused BBC reporter raised a trembling hand. “But why?”

Lisa sighed, shaking her head.

“Because, my dear journalists, the BBC’s London broadcasts are so monotonously repetitive, so painfully predictable, that it’s frankly unfair to charge the Welsh for listening to the same pile of nonsense 500 times a day.“

The room exploded with the sound of a thousand keyboards clacking as journalists scrambled to get the scoop.

The BBC’s Problem: A Broken Record of News

According to government-funded research, the BBC News Channel repeats the same headlines at least 734 times per day—a number only rivalled by the number of times your grandma asks “How do I turn this off?” when given a smart TV.

Lisa held up a chart displaying the BBC’s daily broadcast structure:

• 6:00 AM: “BREAKING: The Economy is Bad!”
• 8:00 AM: “BREAKING: The Economy is Still Bad!”
• 10:00 AM: “BREAKING: Nothing New Has Happened!”
• 12:00 PM: “BREAKING: The Weather Exists!”
• 2:00 PM: “BREAKING: Prime Minister Says Something Vague!”
• 4:00 PM: “BREAKING: The Economy is Still Bad (Again)!”

And so on, forever, until the end of time.

“Now imagine,” Lisa continued, “you’re living in Cardiff, trying to enjoy your tea and Welsh cakes, only to be force-fed this relentless verbal torture day after day! It’s unacceptable!”

The English Shall Pay!

The best part of Lisa’s plan?

From now on, all BBC license fees will be paid by the English.

The room fell silent.

A lone Daily Mail journalist began to hyperventilate into a paper bag.

“Yes, you heard me!” Lisa announced proudly. “To make up for this egregious injustice, all future BBC fees shall be covered entirely by English residents.“

“But… but… how is that fair?” stammered a confused reporter from The Times.

Lisa shrugged.

“It’s called redistribution, darling. The English created this problem, so now they can jolly well pay for it!”

A group of MPs tried to protest, but Lisa shushed them.

“Now, now, I’m not totally heartless! English residents can still opt out of paying the BBC fee—IF they can correctly say the phrase:
‘What ho, old chap! Spiffing weather today!’ in their best posh accent.”

The room fell into chaos.

Welsh Citizens Rejoice!

Within hours, celebrations erupted across Wales.

• Bonfires were lit in the streets of Swansea.
• Sheep were painted red, white, and green in Aberystwyth.
• The Welsh rugby team declared Lisa Nandy an honorary dragon warrior.

Meanwhile, in England, things were not going well.

BBC headquarters in London was swarmed with thousands of angry middle-aged men in flat caps, screaming:

“Oi, this is an OUTRAGE! I ain’t sayin’ no ‘spiffing’ nothin’!”

An undercover BBC reporter attempted to test the system by going to his local post office and announcing in the most northern accent possible:

“Ay up, lass! Spiffing weather t’day!”

He was immediately denied BBC access and told to “learn proper posh, lad!”

The Aftermath

Within days, BBC viewership in England plummeted by 67% as residents refused to pay rather than attempt to sound like a 1940s RAF pilot.

Wales, however, flourished.

With zero BBC fees, the Welsh used their newfound economic freedom to create WBC (Welsh Broadcasting Corporation), featuring:

📺 REAL weather reports that actually include Wales!
📺 A ban on all “BREAKING NEWS” unless it is ACTUALLY breaking.
📺 A show called ‘Why Does London Ignore Us?’ hosted by angry farmers.

Even the King was reportedly amused.

“Ah, yes, spiffing idea indeed,” Charles III muttered, watching the chaos unfold.

Lisa Nandy became a hero in Wales, while in England, furious politicians tried to reverse the law—but only if they could say the required phrase.

So far, not a single one has succeeded.