In a move that has stunned even his most loyal supporters, former President Donald Trump has introduced a radical new policy: retrospective abortion—a policy that would allow individuals to be “retroactively un-born” if they become a nuisance, embarrassment, or just really bad at business.
And as it turns out, his two eldest sons are at the top of his personal list.
A Genius Idea (According to Trump)
Standing at his Mar-a-Lago podium, Trump passionately pitched his new idea to a bewildered audience.
“You know, folks, I’ve been thinking. People love talking about abortion—so much talking, so much yelling, it’s incredible. But they’re doing it all wrong! They’re thinking too small. Why stop at babies? Why not… FIX mistakes we already made?”
He leaned into the microphone, voice hushed like he was letting America in on a huge business secret.
“Think about it, okay? You make a bad hire—BAM! Retrospective abortion. You raise a loser kid—BAM! Gone. The Fake News media? The haters? The losers? They’d be erased—POOF! Like they were never even here. I call it ‘VERY LATE-TERM CORRECTION.’ Tremendous policy, maybe the best ever.”
A Family Matter: Goodbye, Don Jr. and Eric
While many assumed Trump was talking about political enemies, journalists, and anyone who ever refused to lend him money, insiders soon leaked the real motivation behind the policy:
Trump wants to erase his own sons.
“I looked at Don Jr. and Eric the other day, and I thought, ‘These guys… they couldn’t run a lemonade stand. They couldn’t sell MAGA hats if I paid people to buy them. They are embarrassing! I should have ended this a long time ago.'”
One close aide confirmed that Trump had been growing increasingly frustrated with his sons’ inability to “win” at anything.
“He gave them a billion-dollar empire, and what did they do? Turned it into the business equivalent of a garage sale,” said a former White House staffer. “He’s convinced that if he had just… ‘corrected’ things early on, the Trump name wouldn’t be in so much trouble.”
Who Else is on the List?
While Don Jr. and Eric were reportedly the first to be considered for retroactive termination, sources close to Trump say he has a growing list of others he’d like to “un-birth”:
- Ron DeSantis (“Disloyal! Very short for a Floridian! Would be better as a concept, not a person.”)
- Ivanka (Maybe?) (“Used to be my favorite, but lately, I don’t know… She says ‘No’ too much!”)
- Nancy Pelosi (“This one’s obvious, folks. Why didn’t we do this in the 1940s? Bad planning!”)
- Every Journalist Ever (“The Fake News! If we can’t shut them up, we should, uh, fix history a little bit, right?”)
When asked if he himself could be “retroactively aborted” to prevent his own bankruptcies, legal troubles, and public scandals, Trump laughed.
“No way! The world needs me. It wouldn’t work on me, folks—I’m too big to fail. I’m like a skyscraper of genetics. The best genes. No, this is for the people who hold us back. The losers. You know who you are.”
Backlash (And Trump’s Response)
Critics immediately condemned the retrospective abortion proposal, calling it “unconstitutional, insane, and deeply unethical.”
Trump fired back on Truth Social:
- “RETROSPECTIVE ABORTION IS JUST COMMON SENSE! THE LIBS WANT ABORTION—NOW THEY COMPLAIN? SAD!”
- “DON JR. AND ERIC DID THEIR BEST BUT, FRANKLY, IT WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. WE MUST CORRECT MISTAKES!”
- “FAKE NEWS WON’T LIKE IT BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEY’RE FIRST IN LINE!”
Some sources even suggested Trump’s lawyers are worried that this new proposal is just an elaborate way to confess to future crimes—but as one lawyer said, “At this point, we’ve stopped trying to keep up. We just nod and bill him.”
The Future of ‘Very Late-Term Correction’
While legal experts agree that “retroactive abortion” is completely impossible, Trump’s inner circle is reportedly considering ways to rebrand the idea into something that could pass public scrutiny.
One leaked memo suggested renaming it “Alternative History Birth Control” or “The Ultimate Tax Write-Off.”
But whether or not this becomes a real policy proposal, one thing is clear:
Donald Trump is officially done pretending his sons are good at anything.
