It started with what was meant to be a simple act of political mercy: Donald J. Trump was trying to pardon a man named William Jones, a low-level bureaucrat who had been arrested for stealing printer ink from the Department of Agriculture and selling it on Craigslist as “Midnight Patriot Tattoo Ink.”

But Trump, as always, decided to make the moment louder.

He took to Truth Social in the middle of the night, phone in one hand, half-eaten cheeseburger in the other, and posted:

    “I hereby demand the IMMEDIATE release of William ‘Willy’ Jones. TRUE AMERICAN. It’s time to #FreeWilly!! All men deserve justice and FREEDOM. Meet me in Philly. 1987 Juniper Ave. Big announcement. Tremendous!”

There were just two problems.

    The address he listed wasn’t a courthouse.
    It was the former site of “Lotus Petals Spa,” a massage parlor that was shut down in 2011 for “inappropriate patriotic stretching techniques.”

Within minutes, the internet exploded. The hashtag #FreeWilly started trending for reasons no one expected.

News anchors tried to follow:

    CNN: “Is this a legal pardon or… some kind of discount massage movement?”
    Fox News: “This is obviously fake news. Trump has always supported spa-based freedom.”
    MSNBC: “Why is there a line of confused elderly men outside a boarded-up building in Philadelphia?”

By morning, dozens of men had gathered at the old massage parlor, waving homemade signs:

    “WILLY RIGHTS NOW!”
    “I CAME FOR FREEDOM AND A BACK RUB.”
    “MAKE MASSAGE GREAT AGAIN!”

When asked by a local reporter what they expected, one man wearing a QAnon t-shirt and flip-flops replied:

    “Trump said all men are entitled to a Free Willy massage. I don’t know what that means, but I brought exact change.”

Meanwhile, poor William “Willy” Jones, the actual man Trump was trying to pardon, sat in his cell watching the coverage with wide eyes.

    “I think I’ve been pardoned?” he said. “But apparently I also opened a franchise?”

Trump, completely unaware of the chaos, doubled down with another Truth Social post:

    “The line outside Free Willy Massage in Philly is AMAZING. They love America. I knew this would be YUGE. The best pardons. Possibly the most relaxing too.”

When his legal team asked for clarification, Trump simply said:

    “I meant to free a man. But maybe… I freed something even bigger.”

In the end, the city of Philadelphia had to install signs that read “NOT A MASSAGE PARLOR” and “NO FREE WILLY SERVICES OFFERED HERE.”

William Jones was finally released—into a crowd of confused fans who tried to tip him with scented candles and coupons for foot rubs.

And to this day, no one is entirely sure what Trump meant.

But one thing’s for certain: never trust presidential pardon announcements that sound like spa promos.