It all started with a phone call.

President Donald J. Trump, now Supreme CEO of Trump Enterprises and Supreme Influencer of the GOP, had a new business venture in mind: mining rights in Russia. Word had it that deep beneath Siberia lay untapped veins of gold, diamonds, and “very, very tremendous minerals”, and Trump, ever the dealmaker, wanted a piece of the action.

But there was just one problem—Vladimir Putin.

The Russian President, still running the country like an icy James Bond villain, had one condition. And it wasn’t money. It wasn’t political favors. It wasn’t even a Trump Tower Moscow.

No—Putin wanted something much bigger.

Putin’s Grand Demand

“Donald,” Putin purred over a secure line. “If you want Russia’s minerals, you must do something for me.”

Trump, twirling a gold Sharpie in his fingers, leaned in. “Vlad, you know I’m the best at doing things. The absolute best. People are saying it. Tremendous things. What do you want? Hotels? Nukes? A lifetime supply of Trump Steaks? A MAGA hat?”

Putin chuckled, a low, terrifying sound. “Simple request, my friend. Change the name of the Gulf of America… to the Gulf of Red Square.”

Trump blinked. Then blinked again.

“You mean like the Red Square in Moscow?” he asked, momentarily confused.

“Da,” Putin replied. “You rename Gulf of America to Red Square, and I give you all the minerals you want. You will be richest American ever.”

Trump paused. His mind, a swirling mass of ego and real estate speculation, raced through the implications. On one hand, renaming part of America after Russia could look bad. But on the other hand, free minerals. And best of all—it would drive liberals insane.

The Big Announcement

Within 24 hours, Trump scheduled an emergency press conference at Mar-a-Lago.

Standing behind a podium plated in 24-karat gold, Trump beamed at the crowd.

“Folks,” he began, “I’m here today with some very, very big news. You’re not gonna believe it. Huuuge news. You’re gonna love it.”

The crowd cheered, MAGA hats bobbing up and down like bright red buoys of patriotism.

“America, as you know, is great. But it can be even greater. And my good friend Vladimir—very strong leader, tremendous guy—he made me an offer. And let me tell you, it’s the best deal in history. Maybe ever.”

Confused murmurs spread through the audience.

“I have decided—and it’s my decision, nobody else’s, very legal, very strong—that we will be renaming the Gulf of America to the Red Square.”

The crowd fell silent.

Somewhere in the back, a single voice muttered, “Wait… what?”

But Trump wasn’t done.

“Listen, folks, listen,” he said, holding up a big, glossy map with a huge red Sharpie circle drawn around the Gulf of America. “This is branding genius. We’re taking something boring, something totally unprofitable, and turning it into something incredible.”

National Outrage and GOP Gymnastics

The announcement sent shockwaves through America. The Democrats exploded in outrage, calling it “an unprecedented act of treason.” CNN ran 48 hours of straight coverage, with experts debating whether Trump had finally lost his last three functional brain cells.

But the Republicans? They scrambled to justify it.

• Fox News: “You know, folks, the name ‘Red Square’ isn’t really Russian. It actually means ‘Beautiful Square.’ So, really, Trump is making America beautiful again!“
• Marjorie Taylor Greene: “This is actually part of an ancient prophecy that says America and Russia will unite to defeat the Deep State!”
• Ron DeSantis (gritted teeth, sweating): “We must support the to be former president… even if we’re not sure why…”

Meanwhile, Putin sat back in the Kremlin, sipping vodka and laughing his ass off.

The Aftermath

Despite the chaos, Trump stood by his decision. The official U.S. maps were quietly updated to reflect the name change. The Gulf of America was now listed as “The Red Square (formerly Gulf of America—Renamed by The Donald, The Greatest)”.

And the minerals?

Well, let’s just say Putin got the last laugh. The “tremendous” mineral deal never materialized.

But by that point, Trump had moved on—already planning his next big move:

Renaming Alaska to “Ivanka-land” in exchange for a lifetime supply of caviar.