Stick Your Finger Out the Window Weather System

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Stick Your Finger Out the Window Weather System

Trump Fires NOAA: The New “Stick Your Finger Out the Window” Weather System

Washington, D.C. — March 2025

In yet another bold move to increase government efficiency, Donald Trump has officially fired the entire National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), declaring weather forecasting “a total waste of time, folks, just a scam by the deep state cloud people.”

At a press conference held outside Trump Tower Florida, the to be former president explained:

“Why do we even need weather reports? You look outside. It’s sunny, or it’s not sunny. If it’s raining, you get wet. People say, ‘Sir, but what about hurricanes?’ I say, ‘It’s windy! Don’t go outside!’ Very simple, very efficient. Tremendous weather plan.”

The End of Forecasting: America’s New Weather System

With NOAA gone, Trump has revolutionised how Americans check the weather by introducing his new “America First” meteorology system:

Step 1: Stick Your Finger Out the Window

If it feels warm, it’s probably warm.
If it feels cold, it’s probably cold.
If it feels wet, it’s raining.
If it feels missing, you live in a tornado-prone area.

Step 2: “Trust Your Gut”

If you “sense” a hurricane is coming, maybe drive inland.
If you see cows flying past your house, consider taking cover.
If you hear thunder, Trump advises “staying away from water. Or don’t. I don’t know. Some people like water.”

Step 3: Wait for Trump’s Daily Weather Update

With NOAA gone, Trump has personally taken charge of national weather reports, which will now be broadcast exclusively on Truth Social.

His first forecast read as follows:

“Beautiful weather today, folks. Maybe rain. Maybe sun. I don’t know. We’ll see what happens. But one thing I do know: no one does weather better than me. And Florida? Florida’s great. Very warm, very sunny. Totally perfect state, no problems whatsoever.”

The Chaos Begins

Without NOAA, Americans are now forced to rely on their own instincts to determine the weather, leading to absolute nationwide confusion:

In Texas, thousands of residents dressed for summer after Trump called it “a warm, beautiful day”—only for a freak snowstorm to freeze them solid in their shorts and cowboy hats.
In Florida, elderly retirees stared at their windows for hours, waiting for a hurricane update that never came.
In Kansas, one man guessed the wind speed by “licking the air” and is now missing.

Unexpected Winners: Weather Apps and Farmers

With no official weather reports, people have turned to alternative sources:

Weather apps have skyrocketed in popularity, with downloads of “GuessTheWeather.com” increasing by 4,000% overnight.
Farmers are now the nation’s most trusted meteorologists, as Americans seek out anyone who has looked at the sky professionally for more than 10 years.

Local weatherman Jim “Stormy” McAllister said, “We tried to warn them, but now it’s just pure guesswork. One guy in Ohio says his knees ache when a storm is coming, so we’re using that as the national barometer now.”

Trump’s Response: “The Weather Is Rigged”

Amid growing complaints, Trump doubled down on his decision, blaming “the corrupt weathermen” and insisting that bad weather only happens because people talk about it.

“You know, folks, in my day, we didn’t have all these fancy forecasts. We had the sun. We had the moon. And we had our gut instincts. And guess what? The weather was great. But now? We have liberals predicting hurricanes. Very nasty hurricanes, very rude. They weren’t happening before! It’s all rigged!”

To prove his point, Trump held a rally in Miami during an active tropical storm, where he announced, “Fake news says it’s a hurricane. Folks, this is just a light breeze!” before promptly being blown offstage into the ocean.