Trump Orders Nationwide Chow Mein Diet, Deploys “N.O.O.D.L.E.S” to Ensure Compliance
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move officials are calling “bold, strategic, and slightly saucy,” Donald Trump has announced that every American household must now eat chow mein three times a week to maintain what he described as “a very smooth and noodle-friendly relationship” with Xi Jinping.
🍜 “This Is Big for Diplomacy”
Standing beside a table stacked with takeaway cartons, Trump declared:
“We’re doing something nobody’s ever done. It’s called food diplomacy. Very powerful. Everybody loves chow mein—tremendous dish.”
Under the new directive, families may choose between:
- Shrimp
- Chicken
- Pork
Trump added:
“We’re giving options. People like options. But it’s chow mein. It has to be chow mein.”
🧾 Operation Noodle Harmony Begins
The programme, internally named “Operation Noodle Harmony,” requires citizens to:
- Consume chow mein at least three times per week
- Display “appropriate appreciation levels” while eating
- Avoid substituting with pasta “unless it’s really trying its best”
🕵️ Enter N.O.O.D.L.E.S
To enforce the policy, the administration has unveiled a new agency:
N.O.O.D.L.E.S — National Office Of Dietary Law Enforcement Services
Described by officials as “highly efficient and extremely well-fed,” the unit will be responsible for:
- Random noodle compliance checks
- Reviewing takeaway receipts
- Asking citizens direct questions such as: “Have you consumed your required chow mein this week?”
One insider noted:
“They’re very thorough. If there’s no soy sauce present, questions will be asked.”
🧠 Public Reaction
The announcement has led to widespread confusion:
- “I’ve had chow mein twice already this week… am I ahead or behind?”
- “I panicked and ordered four portions just to be safe.”
- “I don’t even like shrimp, but I feel watched.”
📦 Takeaway Industry Booms
Restaurants have reported unprecedented demand.
One takeaway owner said:
“We’ve gone from steady business to full diplomatic operations overnight. One guy ordered enough for ‘international stability.’”
🧢 Trump Remains Confident
Despite concerns, Trump insists the plan is working:
“Relations are fantastic. Smooth. Very smooth. Possibly the smoothest relations we’ve ever had… thanks to chow mein.”
At press time, N.O.O.D.L.E.S agents were reportedly conducting a “routine inspection” involving a family of four and a suspicious lack of noodles.
Officials confirmed:
“Compliance is not optional… but it is delicious.”
