Title: “Penguin Diplomacy: The Heard & McDonald Island Accord”
As reported by The Daily Scrotum
In a stunning and chilly turn of international affairs, Chief Tuxedo, the supreme leader of Heard and McDonald Islands (population: 43 penguins and a disgruntled seal), waddled his way into the geopolitical arena this week by signing a historic trade deal with none other than Peter Navarro, former Trump trade adviser and full-time supply chain doomsayer.
The Penguin Pact, as it’s been dubbed, took place on a melting iceberg somewhere in the Southern Ocean. Navarro, dressed in a red MAGA parka and visibly confused about where he was, greeted Chief Tuxedo with a formal salute and a bucket of sardines.
“President Trump always said we needed to balance the fish deficit,” Navarro declared to a lone puffin and a suspiciously round snowball that might’ve been Steve Bannon in disguise. “These penguins know a good tariff when they see one!”
The agreement outlines a bold new trade regime:
- The U.S. will receive 2,000 kilos of emperor-grade fish oil per year (subject to flipper inspections).
- In return, Heard & McDonald Islands will receive twelve crates of surplus Trump 2020 golf balls, one large tanning bed, and a promise that Trump won’t build a resort there—unless the climate improves dramatically.
Critics have pointed out that Chief Tuxedo doesn’t technically speak English, nor have legal standing in WTO negotiations, but Navarro dismissed this. “He nodded. That’s how penguins agree. It’s in the Arctic-NAFTA,” he explained, unaware that the islands are in the Southern Hemisphere and the Arctic is… not.
Meanwhile, Trump called into Fox & Friends to claim personal credit for the deal, stating,
“I’ve always said I love the penguins. They’re birds, they wear tuxedos, very classy animals. Much better negotiators than Trudeau.”
Back in Washington, economists were baffled. The Office of Trade & Ice-Based Diplomacy was created overnight and immediately defunded. Meanwhile, Chief Tuxedo was spotted back home being celebrated by his colony with the traditional “Victory Slide” and a fish cake shaped like Navarro’s head.
And so ends the first-ever antarcti-capitalist handshake.
