BREAKING: The Daily Scrotum Unzips the Truth
Redacted Chat Leak Reveals U.S. Leaders Suffering from Chronic Euro-Loathing Syndrome

In an astonishingly well-timed scoop, The Daily Scrotum — America’s leading source of investigative journalism printed exclusively on bathroom-quality paper — has managed to unearth the contents of a redacted private chat between high-ranking officials in the jungle palace, uh, sorry — the U.S. Government.

The now-leaked messages involve Vice President JD Vance, Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth, and what appears to be several emoji that may or may not constitute diplomatic threats.

The Chat, Unzipped:

According to The Daily Scrotum’s completely reliable sources (a pigeon that flew through an open Pentagon window), the conversation went something like this:

VANCE:
“Honestly, I hate bailing Europe out again.”

Followed moments later by…

HEGSETH:
“I fully share your loathing of European free-loading. It’s PATHETIC.”

Sources say Vance was simultaneously sipping from a Freedom Mug™ and playing the theme from Team America on a kazoo.

The messages were apparently exchanged in a private encrypted thread titled:

“AMERICA: We’re Not Your Wallet (Unless Oil is Involved)”

Reaction from Europe

European leaders responded swiftly:

• French President Macron simply sniffed and said, “Zut alors,” before retreating into a velvet tunnel of wine and subtle judgment.
• Germany issued a strongly-worded email ending in “Mit freundlichen Grüßen, but not really.”
• The Netherlands offered to send free bicycles as a peace gesture, which were immediately rejected as “too efficient and smug.”

Response from the White House

When asked to clarify whether these views represented the official U.S. position, a White House spokesperson nervously replied:

“Vice President Vance was obviously being metaphorical. He doesn’t hate Europe. He just… wishes they’d pick up the check more often and maybe stop asking for dessert.”

President Doglow (currently on a jungle retreat with Vice President Ike Ponce and 14 kilos of merangas) issued a vague statement through a coconut with Wi-Fi:

“I love Europe. Many of my favorite bread comes from there. But it’s time they buy their own metaphorical banana bread.”

Experts Weigh In

Political analysts are calling this “the most aggressive display of passive-aggressive diplomacy since Britain described American cheese as ‘brave.’”

Meanwhile, The Daily Scrotum is preparing to release a second leak that may or may not include someone using a GIF of a baguette being thrown into a volcano with the caption: “NATO? I barely know ’em.”

Stay tuned.

Because when it comes to leaks, nobody exposes more than The Daily Scrotum.