Trump’s Ultimate eBay Store: The Art of the Sale (Now Featuring GOLDEN SNEAKERS!)
Deep inside Mar-a-Lago, under the dim glow of a gold-plated chandelier, Donald J. Trump sat at his customized diamond-encrusted laptop, plotting his latest and greatest business venture—an exclusive eBay store, filled with the most luxurious, high-class, and totally unnecessary Trump-branded products ever made.
“This is gonna be HUGE, folks. Bigger than Amazon. Bigger than Walmart. Some people are saying it might be even bigger than the economy itself,” Trump boasted to his assistant, who was actually just an unpaid intern desperate for a job at Truth Social.
After weeks of brainstorming, the Trump Online Superstore was finally live.
🔥 TRUMP’S EXCLUSIVE EBAY LISTINGS 🔥
1. Trump Gold-Plated Toilet Roll – Embossed with His Signature
- Price: $499 per roll
- Description: “Wipe like a winner! The most luxurious toilet paper ever created. Every sheet embossed with my beautiful signature. Believe me, folks, it’s much classier than Biden’s toilet paper.”
- Bonus: Every 10th roll comes with a gold-leafed MAGA wipe (slightly thinner than the regular roll, but still the best).
2. Limited Edition “Election Was Stolen” Coffee Mugs
- Price: $149
- Description: “Enjoy your morning covfefe while remembering the greatest political scandal of all time. Comes with an autographed recount sticker and a free 1-hour YouTube link to my greatest rally moments.”
3. Trump Golden Sneakers – “Walk Like a Billionaire” Edition
- Price: $1,999 (LIMITED EDITION – Only 7,000,000 Pairs Available!)
- Description: “Folks, I’ve walked the greatest steps. More steps than Sleepy Joe, more steps than the fake news media. Now YOU can walk like a winner with these 24-karat gold sneakers. Absolutely the best sneakers ever made.”
- Features:
- Fully gold-plated (warning: extremely heavy)
- Zero traction (because winners don’t slip, losers do)
- Insoles lined with Mar-a-Lago carpet
- MAGA logo on the side, Trump’s face on the heel
- Built-in Bluetooth speaker (only plays rally speeches on repeat)
- Bonus: Comes with a signed certificate of “Billionaire Status” (not legally recognized, but still the best).
4. Official Trump Steak – Aged and Defrosted (Slightly) Since 2007
- Price: $999 for a 5-pack
- Description: “These incredible steaks were originally sold at Sharper Image, but folks, they were too ahead of their time. We froze them. Now they’re back, aged to perfection. Will probably arrive frozen, depending on USPS.”
5. Trump’s Signature Sharpies – The “Recount & Rescind” Edition
- Price: $89.99 each
- Description: “These aren’t just any markers, folks. These are the same Sharpies I used to edit hurricanes and ballots. Guaranteed to make ANY document legally binding in your own mind.”
**6. Melania’s “I Really Don’t Care, Do U?” Jackets (Now in MAGA Red!)
- Price: $299
- Description: “Straight from the First Lady’s original collection! This new MAGA-red version features a new slogan on the back: ‘STOLEN ELECTION, STOLEN COUNTRY.’ Stylish! Iconic! Perfect for court dates or golf tournaments.”
7. A Bottle of Trump’s Tears – Collected Every Time He Loses a Court Case
- Price: $599 (LIMITED SUPPLY)
- Description: “Folks, these are real Trump Tears™. Collected fresh every time I am unfairly sued. The greatest elixir in history. Drink it and feel like a real patriot.”
8. Trump University Diplomas – Personalized with Your Name!
- Price: $1,499
- Description: “Want to be a genius like me? Want a business degree without the hassle of classes? Get an official diploma from Trump University (now defunct due to fake lawsuits by radical leftist judges).”
- BONUS: If you buy two diplomas, you get a free honorary PhD in Fake News Studies.
9. The MAGA Bible – “Jesus Loves Capitalism” Edition
- Price: $399
- Description: “This is THE most American version of the Bible ever printed. Every mention of Jesus performing charity has been removed. New passages added about cutting taxes for the wealthy. Reads from right to far-right.”
- Exclusive Features:
- Foreword by Trump himself
- New Commandments: “Thou shalt not question Trump”
- Jesus now has a golf club and a private jet
10. Trump Cologne – “Eau de Executive Privilege”
- Price: $289
- Description: “Smell like a winner! A powerful scent of bravado, courtroom sweat, and Diet Coke. Women will love it. Judges will hate it.”
📢 SPECIAL PROMOTION: “MYSTERY BOX” – $999 📢
- Want a surprise? Order Trump’s MAGA Mystery Box! Inside, you might get:
- A broken Trump Casino chip
- A signed Mar-a-Lago napkin
- Part of the border wall (smaller than expected)
- A Trump NFT (now worth nothing)
- A personalized insult from Trump himself (handwritten, possibly in Sharpie)
🔥 SOLD OUT ITEMS 🔥
🚨 Trump’s Used Tanning Bed Goggles – SOLD OUT
🚨 Authentic MAGA Toupee (Made from Repurposed Trump Casino Carpets) – SOLD OUT
🚨 A One-Time Pardon Certificate – SOLD OUT (Turns out, not legally binding)
FINAL NOTE FROM TRUMP:
“Folks, everything here is going to SELL OUT FAST. Some of these are one-of-a-kind, just like me. Once they’re gone, THEY’RE GONE. Don’t wait! Buy now, before Sleepy Joe shuts this down!!!”
Within 24 hours, the store made $5 million, mostly from Trump toilet paper and golden sneaker sales.
Within 48 hours, eBay had to intervene, citing “severe ethical concerns”.
But Trump, undeterred, announced that the store would move exclusively to Truth Social, where he could sell directly to his most devoted fans without “deep state interference.”
Meanwhile, the internet collectively wondered:
“How does this man keep getting away with this?”
