The Black Horse Pub Secures Exclusive Rare Earth Deal with Ukraine – Locals React with Confusion and Pints
In an unprecedented business move that no one saw coming, The Black Horse Pub in Standlake, Oxford, has secured exclusive rights to buy rare earth minerals from Ukraine.
Why? Nobody really knows.
How? Even the landlord is a bit unsure.
The Deal That Shocked the World (and the Local Pub Quiz Team)
According to reports, the deal was finalized over a Zoom call between Ukrainian officials and The Black Horse’s landlord, Dave, who initially thought he was negotiating for a new dartboard.
“It all happened so fast,” said Dave, wiping down a pint glass while a confused regular tried to Google ‘What are rare earth minerals?’
“I thought I was buying a new keg of Guinness, but next thing I know, some Ukrainian minister is shaking my hand over a contract worth £50 million in neodymium, dysprosium, and some other ‘iums’ I can’t pronounce.”
Locals React with Mixed Emotions
The news has sent shockwaves through the sleepy Oxfordshire village, with reactions ranging from mild confusion to complete indifference.
- Barry from the darts team is convinced this will finally help The Black Horse install a proper pool table.
- Margaret, who hasn’t left her barstool since 1998, is still trying to work out if this means they’ll start serving “fancy beers.”
- Nigel, a self-proclaimed ‘crypto investor,’ is already trying to launch a pub-backed Rare Earth NFT.
What Will the Pub Do with the Minerals?
While most rare earth minerals are used for high-tech industries like electric cars and missile guidance systems, The Black Horse’s plans are slightly different:
- Beer Coasters Infused with Neodymium Magnets – No more sliding pints, even when Barry gets a bit too excited about his football bets.
- Glow-in-the-Dark Pub Signs – “Why waste all this dysprosium when we can make the pub visible from space?” Dave reasoned.
- The World’s First ‘Heavy Metal’ Beer Tap Handles – Made entirely from high-density lanthanum, guaranteed to make ordering a pint feel like lifting Thor’s hammer.
- The Rare Earth Scratchcard – If you find a real lump of scandium in your pie, you win a free round!
International Fallout
While the local community is still trying to make sense of the deal, global leaders are deeply concerned.
- China, which dominates the rare earth market, is furious. Beijing has issued a statement saying, “We cannot allow a random British pub to disrupt global supply chains.”
- The European Union is confused. One Brussels official muttered, “We are not sure if this is a trade violation or just an incredible misunderstanding.”
- Rishi Sunak, upon hearing the news, immediately applied for a loyalty card at The Black Horse.
Final Thoughts: The Black Horse’s Future as a Global Superpower?
While the rest of the world scrambles to react, The Black Horse has already placed its first order for a shipment of 10 tonnes of yttrium, which should arrive just in time for the next pub quiz.
“We don’t know what we’ll do with it,” said Dave, sipping a pint and shrugging. “But whatever it is, it’s probably going to involve beer.”
One thing is certain: Standlake’s Black Horse is now the world’s first pub with a rare earth monopoly—and possibly the only one capable of making glow-in-the-dark ale.
