Seeks Help from King Marbles
In a shocking yet oddly unsurprising revelation, Donald J. Trump has officially admitted that he has “lost his marbles” and, in a desperate attempt to recover them, has personally reached out to King Marbles for assistance.
The former president, known for his bold claims, unusual hand gestures, and occasional golf cart mishaps, held an emergency press conference outside Mar-a-Lago, where he dramatically announced:
“Folks, I’ll say it. Big news. Maybe the biggest news in history. I have officially lost my marbles. Totally lost ‘em. Completely gone. Everyone’s saying it. Nobody can find them. Sad!”
As stunned reporters scribbled notes, Trump held up an empty marble bag labeled ‘TRUMP’S BIGLY BEST MARBLES’ and shook it furiously, producing no sound.
King Marbles Gets the Call
Upon realising he was truly marble-less, Trump placed an urgent phone call to King Marbles, ruler of the Kingdom of Marbulia and undisputed leader of the world’s most powerful marbles.
“King, listen. You’ve got marbles, right? You’ve got the best marbles, maybe the best in the world. I need ‘em. I need ‘em back. My people want me to have marbles again.”
King Marbles, a noble and wise monarch of round, glassy brilliance, agreed to consult his council of named marbles for assistance.
The Great Marble Roll Call – No One Volunteers
Despite King Marbles’ personal request, not a single marble stepped forward to help Trump reclaim his lost marbles.
The roll call went as follows:
- Boobert: “I’d rather be dropped down a storm drain than deal with this mess.”
- Blue Pumpkins: “Sorry, my schedule is packed. I’ve got a tournament in France, then a marble fashion show.”
- Haunted Ghost: “No way! I’ve heard what happens to people who work for him. I’d rather roll off a cliff.”
- Art Noveous: “Not a chance. The last time I helped a guy like this, I ended up at the bottom of a fish tank.”
- Chalky Pirate: “I’d rather be spun in a washing machine for eternity than help this guy.”
Even Trumpy Tommy the Orange Marble, a marble so eerily similar to Trump that many believed they were related, refused to assist.
“I’ve got enough problems,” Tommy said, rolling himself under a nearby couch to avoid further questions.
Trump’s Reaction: Total Meltdown
Upon hearing that no marble in existence would help him, Trump launched into a Twitter-style rant on Truth Social:
“King Marbles? TOTAL SCAM. Fake leader! Weak! Disgraceful! King Marbles are refusing to help me—very unfair, very sad! I MADE MARBLES GREAT AGAIN! Now they do NOTHING. DISASTER!!!”
He then accused China of stealing his marbles and suggested launching a full-scale investigation into “where the heck they rolled off to.”
When asked if he had checked under his couch or in the pockets of his old golf shorts, Trump dismissed the idea as “fake news.”
King Marbles Issues Official Statement
Later that day, King Marbles released a formal statement to clarify the situation:
“We have received a request from Donald J. Trump regarding his lost marbles. After careful consultation, it has been determined that no marble, past or present, is willing to assist in their retrieval. The Kingdom of Marbulia wishes him the best in his future endeavours—preferably far, far away from any of us.”
The statement concluded with a firm reminder that “marbles cannot be bullied, bribed, or filed for bankruptcy.”
Final Outcome – Trump Declares Victory Anyway
Despite failing to recover his lost marbles, Trump quickly pivoted the story, telling supporters:
“Folks, the marbles came back! They love me! All the marbles! They’re here, they’re shiny, and they’re winning, just like me. Perfect marbles, the best marbles.”
Unfortunately, he was just holding a handful of Tic Tacs.
The National Marbles Association has since confirmed that Trump remains 100% marble-less.
