Trump’s War on Chips: The Great American Tariff Plan
It was Tuesday morning, and the world braced itself for another Trumpian proclamation. Sure enough, at exactly 9:04 AM, the president took to his favorite social media platform and dropped an absolute bombshell:
“I am bringing back tariffs, folks. BIG tariffs. The biggest tariffs. We’re talking 25%—on cars, on pharmaceuticals, and most importantly… on CHIPS. That’s right. No more of these fake, foreign-made, obesity-causing French fries! MAGA!”
The world paused.
Tariffs on cars and medicine? Okay, that was one thing. But on French fries? The very foundation of the American fast-food industry?
The Reason Behind the Madness
At an impromptu press conference held outside a McDonald’s drive-thru, Trump clarified his reasoning:
“Listen, folks. Look at me. I’m in PERFECT shape, okay? But some people—some people are saying I’m getting too big. And it’s these CHIPS, folks. The French. The Belgians. The Canadians. They’re sending us their fries, making Americans FATTER! WE’RE TAKING OUR COUNTRY BACK—ONE POTATO AT A TIME!”
A gasp echoed through the entire fast-food industry.
Burger King’s stock plummeted.
McDonald’s CEOs fainted.
Wendy’s posted a cryptic tweet: “Oh boy, here we go.”
Fast Food Civil War Begins
Within hours, America was divided.
🔥 Pro-Tariff Americans (a.k.a. “Patriot Potatoes”) supported the move, claiming it was a bold step against foreign obesity tactics.
🍟 Anti-Tariff Americans (a.k.a. “Freedom Fry Fighters”) saw this as an attack on the very fabric of American culture.
Fast-food restaurants rushed to find loopholes.
- McDonald’s announced “Trump-Free Fries”, stating that their potatoes would now be 100% American-grown and tariff-proof.
- Chick-fil-A began selling “Christian Crisps,” which, according to their CEO, were “blessed by the Lord and untouchable by tariffs.”
- KFC launched “Liberty Spuds,” a legally dubious rebranding of fries that somehow avoided the import tax.
Trump Doubles Down
When asked by reporters if the tariff also applied to potato chips, Trump snapped back:
“No, no. I love Lay’s. Great company. We’ll make an exception for Lay’s. But Pringles? Total disaster. Those tubes? Un-American! Tariffed!”
A state of emergency was declared at every 7-Eleven across the country.
Meanwhile, pharmaceutical companies were left confused. When asked why they were also facing a 25% tariff, Trump simply shrugged:
“They make pills too small, folks. I like BIG PILLS. If your medicine is smaller than a Skittle, it’s weak. WEAK! So we’re fixing that. MAGA!”
The Fallout: What Happens Next?
By April 2, the tariffs officially go into effect. Mass hysteria will follow:
- Black-market French fries will flood the streets, smuggled in through Canadian poutine shipments.
- Secret underground McDonald’s pop-ups open near the border, offering “Tariff-Free Taters” to desperate fry lovers.
- Ronald McDonald was spotted leading protests in Washington, holding a sign that read “MAKE FRIES GREAT AGAIN!”
As for Trump?
He celebrated with a massive rally, standing proudly next to a giant deep fryer.
“Folks, this is the greatest thing I’ve ever done. We’re saving America. We’re making it THIN again. And guess what? I just ate a bucket of KFC. I am STRONGER than ever!”
And as he took a sip of his Diet Coke, a single French fry fell from his pocket, landing on the stage. The crowd gasped.
Did their leader secretly stash fries while banning them for others?
Was this the ultimate betrayal?
The Freedom Fry Fighters and Patriot Potatoes clashed in the streets, signaling the start of a new American civil war—one fought with ketchup, salt, and betrayal.
THE END.
