The Great American Rewording: How Trump Broke the English Language
It started with a simple problem—Donald Trump could not stop lying.
His presidency, post-presidency, and near-future-presidency-again bid had been built on a foundation of absolute, unrelenting, industrial-scale falsehoods. Every speech, every social media post, every offhand comment at Mar-a-Lago—it was all a tapestry of wild exaggerations, blatant fabrications, and pure, unfiltered nonsense.
But then came the crisis.
America’s legal system, based entirely on words and their meanings, simply could not keep up. Judges found themselves trapped in a constitutional paradox—if Trump lied under oath, but his followers believed him, was it still a lie?
The Supreme Court, already exhausted from years of legal acrobatics trying to interpret Trumpian gibberish, finally cracked. Chief Justice John Roberts threw up his hands in defeat.
“The problem isn’t Trump,” he declared. “The problem is that English simply isn’t built for this level of dishonesty.”
Thus, The Great Rewording was born.
The Constitution Rewrite Begins
Under executive order (written in Comic Sans, for some reason), a bipartisan committee was formed to rewrite the American English dictionary so that Trump would, by definition, always be telling the truth.
The first casualties? Basic words like “truth” and “lie.”
- Truth was officially redefined as:
“Any statement spoken with confidence, regardless of factual accuracy.” - Lie now meant:
“A statement spoken without conviction, even if technically correct.”
In one stroke, Trump became the most honest man in America—while journalists, scientists, and historians became compulsive liars.
Linguistic Chaos Ensues
The effects of The Great Rewording rippled across the nation.
- Fact-checking websites shut down overnight, unable to label anything false anymore.
- School textbooks had to be rewritten, particularly those about history, science, and basic arithmetic.
- The legal system collapsed, as “perjury” was redefined as “expressing uncertainty while speaking.”
Trump, Now the Ultimate Truth-Teller
Trump took full advantage of his newfound linguistic invincibility.
At a rally, he declared:
“I won the 2020 election! I won it BIGLY! And Sleepy Joe? Never even existed. Made up by the fake news media!”
The press, legally unable to call it a lie, struggled to adapt.
“Today, the former president expressed a strongly-held alternative timeline regarding the 2020 election,” reported CNN.
Fox News, however, celebrated the ruling.
“Trump is now officially the most truthful president in American history,” Sean Hannity announced. “No president has ever been more legally correct!”
America Splits into Two Language Zones
Within months, the nation was divided into two factions:
- The Reworded Americans – who accepted the new Trumpian definitions and believed, by law, that he had never lied.
- The English Purists – who refused to adapt and were branded as linguistic terrorists.
Purist enclaves formed in New England, California, and the remaining few sane parts of Florida. Underground resistance groups published illegal dictionaries, smuggling the old definitions across state lines.
The FBI, rebranded as the Federal Bureau of Fabulous Truths, cracked down on these “word criminals”. Arrests skyrocketed. People were sentenced to years in prison for saying things like “gravity exists” or “water is wet” without the required level of enthusiasm.
The Final Collapse
In the end, the system cannibalized itself.
Trump, now legally incapable of being wrong, went on a rampage of reality destruction.
- He declared that Tuesday no longer existed—so all government operations shut down once a week.
- He rewrote the laws of physics, claiming that wind turbines steal energy from the sun.
- He announced that everyone in America was now a billionaire, which led to catastrophic inflation when people tried to withdraw their imaginary wealth from the bank.
The nation crumbled under the weight of its own reworded reality.
Eventually, in a desperate last act, Congress repealed The Great Rewording—restoring the English language at great cost.
The moment the definitions were restored, Trump’s entire record collapsed into a pile of legal contradictions, and he was immediately found guilty of 4,783 counts of perjury in real time.
Trump, confused, turned to his legal team.
“But I never lie!” he protested.
His lawyer shook his head.
“Sorry, Mr. President. The words mean what they used to again.”
For the first time in his life, Trump was truly, indisputably speechless.
Epilogue: The Aftermath
In the years that followed, America rebuilt itself. The old dictionaries were restored, schools began teaching real history again, and Tuesday was reinstated as a day of the week.
Trump, unable to function in a world where words had meanings again, retreated to his Mar-a-Lago bunker, where he continued ranting to his most loyal followers about “the stolen election”—now reduced to nothing more than the ravings of an aging man who could no longer bend reality to his will.
As for The Great Rewording?
It remained a cautionary tale, a reminder of what happens when language itself becomes a political weapon.
And somewhere, in a small underground bunker, a rogue linguist quietly protected the last surviving copy of The Trump Dictionary, just in case America ever lost its mind again.
