Elon Musk’s Doge Department Fires Trump
The world was in shock when the news broke: Elon Musk’s Doge Department had officially fired Donald Trump.
For weeks, Musk had been monitoring Trump’s impact on the U.S. economy through a proprietary AI algorithm powered by Dodgycoin transactions and Tesla autopilot sensors. The results were conclusive—Trump was a liability to the U.S. Constitution and a drain on federal resources.
In a late-night tweet, Musk made it official:
“Effective immediately, the Doge Department is terminating Trump’s contract as an American president. Excessive expenses, fraudulent claims, and a McDonald’s addiction have forced us to take action. #ByeDon”
The Final Straw: Orange Face Paint Expenses
One of the biggest financial concerns was Trump’s orange face paint. The Doge Department’s forensic accountants discovered that Trump had been charging his personal bronzing costs to the federal budget under the vague description of “National Security Camouflage.”
“Sir, we analysed the expenditures,” Musk’s CFO, Grimes McToken, explained in a private meeting. “The government is spending $1.2 million annually on your tanning and facial orange enhancement. That’s more than we spend on Mars exploration.”
Trump scoffed. “Listen, folks, okay? Nobody does a better orange. It’s a national treasure. Ask anyone.”
Musk shook his head. “No. You’re fired.”
The Barbershop Ultimatum
Another concern was Trump’s hair maintenance budget, which had been classified under “Strategic Defence Grooming.” The cost? $300,000 per quarter.
Musk, ever the efficiency expert, pointed out that there was a perfectly functional barbershop just one block away from the White House.
“We sent an intern to check,” Musk said. “They do a fantastic comb over for just $25.”
But Trump refused. “A barbershop? That’s for low-energy losers. I only trust Dr. Luigi’s Super Hair Fortress, flown in weekly from Milan. He’s tremendous, okay?”
Musk was unimpressed. “No more government-funded hairstyling. Either walk to the barbershop or go bald.”
The Burger King Deal
Perhaps the most unexpected reason for Trump’s dismissal was his preference for McDonald’s over Burger King.
Musk, always negotiating better deals, had secured a government discount with Burger King that would have saved taxpayers $42 million annually. But Trump refused to switch, insisting on his Big Macs, Filet-O-Fish, and Diet Cokes.
“It’s Burger King or nothing,” Musk declared. “We’ve already signed the contract.”
Trump threw a tantrum. “Musk, you’re making a huge mistake. McDonald’s is the American dream, folks. Trust me.”
Musk rolled his eyes. “This is why we’re replacing you with an AI-powered Dodgyscams.com Bot. It processes information faster, makes fewer spelling errors, and doesn’t charge the government for ketchup packets.”
The Doge Department’s Verdict
With that, the Doge Department officially terminated Trump and replaced him with Dodgyscams.com Bot-3000, a blockchain-powered governance AI that would reduce wasteful spending, eliminate excessive regulations, and ensure burgers were purchased at the lowest possible cost.
As the news spread, the American people celebrated. The deficit dropped overnight, the stock market surged, and Burger King stock hit an all-time high.
As for Trump, he sulked at Mar-a-Lago, ranting about “rigged elections” and “corrupt barbershops,” but without his White House credit card, he was forced to buy his own orange face paint for the first time in decades.
Elon Musk simply smiled, leaned back in his Tesla HoverChair, and whispered, “Mission accomplished.”
