Trump and Zelenskyy’s Big Idea
In a stunning move that left political analysts speechless and Saturday Night Live already writing sketches, former President Donald J. Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy announced a three-month presidential exchange program.
At a joint press conference held on a giant inflatable bouncy castle (Trump’s idea), the two leaders grinned, shook hands awkwardly, and explained their brilliant plan.
“Look,” Trump began, wearing a blazer over a “Make Crimea Great Again” T-shirt, “Zelenskyy’s doing okay, but I think I could bring some real branding to Ukraine. Tremendous branding. Tanks with gold trim. Borscht rebranded as ‘Freedom Soup.’ Beautiful.”
Zelenskyy, sipping from a flask and trying not to laugh, added, “And I’ve always wanted to try golfing every weekday while being yelled at by cable news anchors. Plus, maybe I can finally fix that Wi-Fi in the White House Situation Room.”
Week One – Trump in Kyiv
Trump arrived in Ukraine wearing aviator sunglasses and flanked by two Secret Service agents carrying giant briefcases full of “Emergency Trump Vodka.” His first act as acting President of Ukraine?
Rename the Ukrainian Parliament “Trump Tower: Slavic Edition.”
He then tried to sign a peace treaty with Russia using a cocktail napkin, which read:
“Let’s Make A Deal – You Keep Siberia, We Keep the Good Parts. Signed, Big Don.”
He also attempted to build a casino on top of an abandoned missile silo and launched a Twitter-like platform called “Trooth.Slava”, which mostly posted shirtless photos of Trump on tractors.
Week One – Zelenskyy in D.C.
Zelenskyy arrived in Washington with a guitar, a bulletproof vest, and a list titled: “How to Fix America in 12 Simple Steps (Maybe).”
His first executive order was declaring every Friday “National Stand-Up Comedy Night,” during which he performed impressions of past presidents. His George W. Bush had the press corps in tears.
He then tried to install an actual war room in the basement of the White House, complete with sandbags, a giant world map with blinking lights, and an espresso machine that only spoke Ukrainian.
When asked about inflation, Zelenskyy replied: “In Ukraine, inflation is when the economy explodes. In America, it’s when eggs cost more than a drone.”
Month Two – Chaos Ensues
In Ukraine, Trump accidentally declared war on Poland after misreading a map upside down and thinking it was a “land investment opportunity.” He later apologized, claiming “It was a very confusing map, probably made in China.”
Meanwhile, in D.C., Zelenskyy ordered Congress to do 50 pushups before every vote and replaced the national anthem with a techno remix of “Eye of the Tiger.” Approval ratings soared among Gen Z.
Month Three – The Realization
By the third month, both leaders held a video call.
Trump: “Okay, Volodymyr, I think I fixed Ukraine. I built a statue of me shaking hands with a bear. Very inspiring.”
Zelenskyy: “Thanks, Donald. America’s doing alright too. I turned Mar-a-Lago into a refugee training center and now Fox News is broadcasting in Ukrainian.”
Trump: “We should do this every year.”
Zelenskyy: “Let’s never do this again.”
Epilogue
The Swap ended in a whirlwind of lawsuits, memes, and one very confused NATO secretary. Trump left Ukraine with a jar of pickles and an honorary title as “Minister of Confidence,” while Zelenskyy returned home with a sunburn, a cowboy hat, and 14 new sketch ideas.
It didn’t fix the world.
But it sure made it weirder.
