James Madison’s Forgotten Clause
In a shocking discovery hidden deep in the original U.S. Constitution (specifically in the margins between a coffee stain and a doodle of a bald eagle wearing a monocle), historians have uncovered a previously unknown clause written by none other than James Madison himself.
This clause, believed to have been penned during a particularly spirited evening of rum and democracy, states:
“In the event that any President of these United States acts a total fool, a sacred tribal family known as ‘Where the Fuck Are We’ of Tonga shall possess sole authority to remove said fool from office. No questions. No Congress. Just pure, unfiltered Tongan justice.”
Who Are ‘Where the Fuck Are We’?
Descendants of a legendary Polynesian navigator who once got epically lost during a coconut run, the Where the Fuck Are We tribe are famous for two things:
- Getting spectacularly lost and ending up in places they shouldn’t be
- Having a knack for no-nonsense decision-making
According to tribal legend, their ancestors accidentally ended up in Philadelphia in 1787, mistaking it for a particularly large reef. Madison, impressed by their fearlessness, palm-woven suits, and ability to roast an entire boar using only a spyglass and charisma, gave them a weird but legally binding power: presidential termination.
The Tribe Has Spoken: Trump Must Go
After centuries of peaceful beach life, the Where the Fuck Are We tribe has reassembled, activated by what they described as “serious foot-stepping-out-of-ness” by Donald Trump.
The tribal chief, Chief Confuzio, released a formal announcement via TikTok:
“He has tweeted too much. He has danced to YMCA too often. He has eaten too many McChickens during global summits. And he keeps trying to buy cities. The line has been crossed. We, the sacred fire-ers, are activating the Clause.”
Trump Responds in Classic Trump Fashion
At a hastily organized press conference held at his favorite golf cart, Trump said:
“Folks, I love Tonga. Love it. Beautiful beaches. Very Trumpy. I even tried to buy it once. But this tribe? Never heard of them. I mean, ‘Where the Fuck Are We’? Sounds like what Joe Biden says when he wakes up. Sad!”
He then challenged the tribe to a coconut-throwing contest, declared himself the “rightful king of Polynesia,” and drove off while humming “Eye of the Tiger.”
How Does the Removal Work?
According to the clause, the tribe is allowed to remove a president by performing the Ritual of the Flaming Flip-Flop—a ceremony that involves:
- A ukulele battle of destiny
- A sacred cannonball into the Reflecting Pool
- The symbolic act of unfriending the president on Facebook
This ritual will be carried out on the White House lawn, during which Chief Confuzio will yell:
“You outta here, bruddah!”
Trump will then be required to leave office, return his nuclear football, and exchange his suit for a souvenir coconut bra.
What’s Next?
The U.S. government is reportedly scrambling to verify if this clause is real, with one panicked constitutional scholar yelling, “THEY HAD BOARS IN THE PHILADELPHIA CONVENTION?!”
Meanwhile, the Where the Fuck Are We tribe has issued a final warning:
“Presidents beware. We may be hard to find, but when we show up, you’re probably getting fired.”
Final Word
As the tribe sets up camp outside the Lincoln Memorial and begins preparing for the ceremony, the world watches in awe, confusion, and mild disbelief.
Because apparently, in the land of liberty, even a lost tribe from Tonga can save democracy—one flaming flip-flop at a time.
